


Consort

by devo79



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-14
Updated: 2012-04-14
Packaged: 2017-11-03 15:28:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 21,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/382978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devo79/pseuds/devo79
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Angelus and Hyena!Xander are gone and Angel and Xander are left to deal with the mess</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Ya all right?” Spike asked as he caught up to Xander.

“Yeah…just…kinda surprised,” Xander answered quietly, “I mean I didn’t really expect him to return to Sunnydale…again…after what he said…Guess he wants to see Buffy.”

Spike cursed and stopped walking. Xander didn’t notice right away but when he turned to talk to the blond vampire he wasn’t there. The human turned around and looked back at Spike.

“Hey…It’s…it’s not that important,” Xander said and walked back to Spike, “I could just stay away from the Magic Box and Buffy’s house for awhile…no big deal,” he mumbled and tried to hide the tears threatening to roll down his cheeks.

“Bloody stupid bastard should have the manners ta know you’d get hurt,” Spike yelled. Xander’s shoulders slumped and he looked tired.

“Just leave it, Spike. Please,” he said, “And when he arrives, don’t start fighting. Buffy would want to know why and we both know he wouldn’t tell her.”

Spike moved closer to Xander and whispered, “If he could see how much ya hurt…”

“No Spike! You have to promise me you won’t tell him. Okay? Okay, Spike?!” Xander grabbed on to Spike’s duster and held on to it as if it was the only thing keeping him on his feet.

“Still say that if he knew he’d take ya with him ta LA,” Spike soothed.

“No, Spike. Even if he did take me with him…It’d be out of pity and not because…It wasn’t even him, Spike. Wasn’t him and making him do things out of pity won’t make things different.”

\---------------------------------------------------------

Xander stood in front of the mirror and looked at the mark on his shoulder. It wasn’t quite as vivid as it had been that first year. He let his fingers trail over it. The skin was still as sensitive as always and he sighed softly.

“Tell me again,” Spike said from the door and Xander looked into the mirror. Even if he couldn’t see Spike in it he knew he was there. Xander had told the story many times and he wasn’t stupid enough to think that Spike couldn’t remember it. But the blond vampire knew that Xander needed to remind himself. Needed to retell the story because as time passed he was afraid he would forget the details.

“I was possessed by the hyena. Buffy couldn’t find me…I…I didn’t want her to find me,” Xander said quietly, “They found my pack pretty fast. Used a spell to make them…normal…I met someone. First time we met like that…me as the hyena and him as…” Xander tried never to say the name. It hurt too much

“And somehow we started to hunt together. Spent time together. A month…two,” Xander smiled, “He claimed me. You…” Xander looked into the mirror, his eyes focusing on the scar on his shoulder, “You were there…somewhere…in the house.”

“Could hear ya,” Spike said and laughed when Xander blushed.

“Yeah,” Xander nodded, “He claimed me and then I…Buffy and Giles found me. Caught me and took the hyena from me…He looked for me and I…I wanted to go back but…then the whole thing with hell on earth and Buffy sending Angel to a hell-dimension.”

Xander looked lost for a second and Spike said, “No need ta tell the rest, pet. Better ta think ’bout the good times, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Xander said slowly and turned around and looked at Spike. The blond vampire was leaning on the doorframe. “Why didn’t he want me?” Xander whispered, “Am I that…disgusting?”

Spike was there in a split second hugging the human close.

“He’s a bloody wanker for not wanting ya, Xander,” Spike murmured in the consort’s ear. “Let go of a treasure, he did.”

Xander just sagged against the vampire.

\------------------------------------------------

Xander was asleep now. His heartbeat slow and steady. Spike was sitting in the living room. This apartment was much nicer than that horrible basement the boy had lived in before and much more appropriate for a consort.

Spike growled quietly. He was going to have a talk with the bastard before the meting at the watcher’s tomorrow night.

\-------------------------------------------------

Angel locked the car and looked over at the watcher’s house. He wasn’t looking forward to the meeting. He had actually tried to send Wesley but the human had been busy. Cordy had just huffed at Angel when he had suggested that she go back to Sunnydale.

So here he was. If he was lucky the boy wouldn’t be there and he wouldn’t have to deal with him. Angel started walking across the street when someone slammed into him.

“Fucking bastard!” Spike hissed as he started to punch Angel in the gut. Angel pushed the blond vampire away and managed to get back on his feet. “Leaving him like that,” Spike growled and tried to kick the taller vampire in the groin.

Angel grabbed hold of Spike’s leg and pushed him away from the road and up against the car. “What the hell is your problem, Spike?” Angel snarled while he held Spike against the car.

“Ya just left him. Like a bloody pet!” Spike said and looked into Angel’s eyes. “Ya know how much pain he’s been in? Well do ya?” Angel took a step back and shook his head.

“He…I didn’t have a choice,” Angel said.

“Fucking liar! Could have taken him with ya!” Spike straightened his duster.

“He’ll be fine,” Angel looked away.

“When, Angel? When will he be fine? Been years since it happened. And he ain’t getting any better,” Spike pushed Angel and the vampire took a step back. “He’s bloody lonely.”

Angel looked back at the house, “Is he coming tonight?” he asked.

“Yes,” Spike answered, “Wanted ta stay away…but guess he felt compelled ta be here…wonder why that is?” Spike asked mockingly, “Oh yeah almost forgot. It’s cause he’s your consort!” Spike growled and pushed past Angel and walked toward Giles’s house.

“Not mine,” Angel whispered quietly to the dark and tried to ignore Angelus‘ anger battering against his consciousness. Tried to ignore the growling voice in his head that demanded to be heard. 

Mine, it screamed.


	2. Chapter 2

“Angel! Come in,” Buffy smiled when he entered the watcher’s house and hugged the vampire. The slayer patted his back, “Come on, Dawn is dying to see you,” she dragged him through the hallway and Angel heard Spike growl behind them.

“Guys, he’s here,” Buffy announced as they entered the living room. Dawn ran over and hugged Angel tight while she babbled on about school and how she’d missed him. Buffy kept her hand on his back the whole time.

Angel shook hands with Giles, and Willow got a quick hug before she returned to the book she was reading. That left Xander. The boy was sitting at the table in the small library. A large book was in front of him but he wasn’t reading. Xander’s eyes were closed and he seemed lost to the world.

Angel didn’t like what he was seeing. Xander was thin. Almost as thin as he’d been in High School. His skin was pale. The vampire was about to say something when Spike pushed past him and walked over to the boy.

“Can’t sleep now, pet,” Spike mumbled gently and rubbed circles on Xander’s broad back. The human nodded and looked up. He froze and his hand shot out and grabbed on to Spike’s.

“Xander…” Angel started but was interrupted by Buffy. The slayer came up from behind the vampire and put her arms around him.

She hugged him and said cheerfully “Giles is ready with the books now. Coming?” she asked.

Angel didn’t miss the look of pure pain that crossed Xander’s face or the way his eyes seemed to focus on the wall just to the left of Angel. Spike growled low in the back of his throat. Buffy let go of Angel and disappeared into the living room.

Spike left Xander’s side and grabbed hold of Angel’s elbow and started walking through the hallway toward the front door.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, Spike?” Angel hissed quietly, not wanting Buffy to hear him.

“You want me ta talk ‘bout your consort in front of the slayer?” Spike snarled.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

“Could at least have the decency ta not let the bint grope you in front of him,” Spike said the second they got out of the watcher’s house.

“It wasn’t like I initiated it,” Angel tried to defend himself.

“So…You like how he looks?” Spike abruptly changed the topic.

“What?” Angel asked.

“Awfully thin, I’d say,” Spike continued, “Pale, too. Must be the two jobs he’s working.”

“I’ve been sending money every month or so,” Angel said and looked suspiciously at Spike.

“Yeah…Know what he does with those checks?” the blond vampire asked angrily.

“They get cashed in,” Angel said, “Every month. So unless you’re…”

 

“Wouldn’t take a penny from the boy,” Spike growled, “He donates it.”

“What? Why?” Angel looked at Spike, “I started sending those checks after you called and told me about his money problems.”

“He won’t take your money, wanker,” Spike snorted “Says he don’t want your charity….so he donates it ta the homeless…stuff like that.”

“But he wouldn’t have to work two jobs if…” Angel started but was interrupted by Spike.

“Bloody stupid bastard ya are,” Spike pushed Angel in the chest, “You don’t want him, so you keep sending money so ya don’t have ta feel bad ‘bout leaving him here,” Spike was standing in front of the door, his hand clenched around the handle, “You could show your own consort some respect.”

“He’s not mi…” Angel attempted.

“Don’t you fucking say that to his face or I’ll rip your unbeating heart out, ya hear,” Spike was in game face, “You show him the respect he deserves and keep your bloody hands off the slayer while you’re here.”

Spike opened the door and looked over his shoulder at Angel, “I’m the one who has ta deal with him falling apart when you leave.”

Spike entered the house and shut the door behind him.

\----------------------------------------------------

Xander felt trapped. He had a headache, and nothing he seemed to do would make it go away. Angel being so close didn’t really help, either. Spike kept hovering over him. Bringing him hot chocolate or food. Xander was grateful for the attention but he had noticed Buffy looking oddly at him a few times.

It was important that she didn’t suspect anything. Angel wouldn’t like that.

“Xander?” Willow asked, Xander looked up and tried to smile, “You look really tired.”

“Yeah…” he answered making sure he didn’t look over at Angel sitting next to Buffy, “I kinda am.”

“Tough time at work?” Willow asked gently.

“Yeah…They ordered the wrong kind of steel frames for the building we’re working on…” Xander rubbed his eyes.

“Angel could drive you home,” Buffy smiled at Angel. Both Angel and Spike looked alarmed but the slayer didn’t notice, “You drive Xander home and then me and Spike’ll start patrolling the nearest cemetery.” Buffy got up and Xander almost stumbled out of his chair.

“No really, no need for…him…to drive me anywhere. Spike could walk me home,” Xander frantically looked at the blond vampire.

“Yeah, no need for Peaches ta…” Spike tried.

“Oh come on. Don’t be so immature, Xander,” Buffy said, “Just let Angel drive you home,” she turned around and left the room without seeing the anger in Spike’s face or the panic in Xander’s.

\--------------------------------------------------

“It’s okay…” Xander said as he and Angel were standing outside by Angel’s car, “I can walk home on my own. There’s really no reason for…” Angel just unlocked the car.

“You could get hurt, Xander,” the vampire said and frowned when he caught a look of hope cross Xander’s otherwise tired face.

“Yeah…” Xander mumbled.

“Get in,” Angel said.

\---------------------------------------------------

They drove for awhile in silence. Xander didn’t look at Angel once.

“Why won’t you take my money?” Angel suddenly asked. Xander made a small gasping sound but didn’t answer. “You need the money. Spike says you work two jobs. You wouldn’t need…”

“Shut up,” Xander whispered, “Please…just don’t.”

Angel frowned and pulled over. He turned and looked straight at Xander. The boy had tears in his eyes. Angel reached out wanting to touch Xander’s hand but the human flinched and moved his hand away.

“I know you think you have these…strong feelings for me,” Angel began, he looked out at the few cars passing by, “I know you…feel drawn to me…but I’m not him, Xander.” 

Xander nodded. “I know,” his voice was hoarse.

“I’m not Angelus and I can't…won’t take you with me…” Angel said.

“I don’t want your…your charity,” Xander mumbled, tears hiding behind the words.

“I don’t love you Xander,” Angel said, still not looking at the human, “I’m not even sure…I’m not even sure Angelus did, either.”

Xander let out a strained sound, not quite sobbing but close.

“You don’t…I…” Xander dried a few tears away from his cheek and Angel felt like a complete bastard, “Could you just drive me home…please…I won’t go to Buffy’s or Giles’ house while you’re here…you don’t have to see me…okay? Just…please drive me home.”

\-------------------------------------------------

Angel stopped outside Xander’s apartment building. Xander opened the car door and then stopped moving.

“Can I…ask you something?” the human whispered.

“Yes,” Angel said.

“Is Angelus aware…aware of what’s going on?” Xander said, his eyes focused on the stars over the building. Angel frowned and looked down at his hands.

“He knows…” Angel answered vaguely.

“Knows?” Xander asked.

“That you’re here…close,” Angel said and looked over at Xander’s hunched shoulders.

“Oh,” Xander said. He climbed out of the car and walked up to the front door of the building. Just before he opened the door he whispered so quietly that only the vampire could hear him

“I miss you, Angelus…so so much.”


	3. Chapter 3

Spike unlocked the door, quietly walked in and closed the door behind him. The only light in the apartment came from the TV. It was muted so only the eerily blue light disrupted the dark silence of the living room. Xander was on the couch, snoring lightly.

Spike touched the human’s shoulder and crouched down in front of the couch. The boy looked even paler in the light coming from the TV. Spike noticed that Xander was holding something in his hand. The lax fingers were cradling a pill bottle.

“Poor git,” Spike murmured as he took the pills from Xander’s hand. The vampire knew Xander took different pain meds. The boy never spoke of it but Spike always made sure Xander didn’t overdo it or used them too often. Seemed he’d taken some Diazepam this time.

Spike still remembered the day Xander had told him that he used the medication. One pill, the boy had said, in case of anxiety attacks. The sad thing was that Xander didn’t suffer from anxiety attacks, no, he suffered from abandonment.

Xander never used the Diazepam unless he felt really depressed. The boy had admitted that the pills made him dizzy and sometimes just pushed him further into depression. But they made him forget Angel and that was all that mattered.

When Spike had left Sunnydale with Dru, he hadn’t really considered what being separated from Angelus would mean to Xander. The boy had been caught by the slayer’s little gang of helpers and Angelus had practically pulled the town apart looking for him.

It was the despair that had made the idiot decide to awaken Acathla. Stupid bastard had been heartbroken without his consort. Spike hadn’t really liked the idea of the world being sucked into a hell dimension and hadn’t felt the slightest bit guilty when he helped the slayer. In his hurry to save Dru he had forgotten about the boy.

The Initiative had changed that. Spike had stumbled into the watcher’s house and had been surprised to see Xander, pale and thin, sitting at the watcher’s dining room table. The boy had immediately offered to house the vampire and Spike had been happy to stay with him.

The vampire had asked why Xander wasn’t in LA with Angel and the sad stricken look on the boy’s face told the vampire everything he needed to know.

”S-spike?” Xander mumbled.

”Yeah…’S me,” Spike answered and gently lifted the boy up off the couch ”Gonna put you to bed now, yeah?” Spike said and Xander rested his head on the blond vampire’s shoulder.

”’K,” Xander nodded.

Spike carried the consort into the master bedroom and made sure he was comfortable and under the covers before the vampire left the room and closed the door. Usually Spike slept in his own room but tonight he’d sleep next to Xander.

The boy always seemed to have more nightmares when he had taken some of his pills and Spike didn’t like the idea of him waking up alone in.

\----------------------------------------------------------

Angel looked at the ceiling of his motel room. He always felt a soft buzzing in the back of his head, like soft fingers running through the short hairs at his nape, but being this close to Xander made the feeling blossomed and spread until it covered his entire body. Angel closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on… anything not Xander.

Angelus wasn’t leaving him alone. Technicolor images of a naked growling Xander, of Angel buried in the heat of that strong body, of hunting and of kissing blood stained lips. Angelus wanted his consort back. Craved him and Angel felt the pull as well.

In the car with Xander, it had taken all his willpower not to reach out and touch the boy. Not to reach out and… Angel sighed. There was a reason he hadn’t been in Sunnydale recently. He couldn’t deny his physical need for the boy even if his soul rebelled at the thought of touching him.

Xander was Angelus’ and he still remembered how pleased Angelus had been when it turned out the boy had a talent for torture and mayhem.

\-------------------------------------------------------

Angel was surprised to see Xander at the watcher’s house. The boy had said he’d stay away. He had promised. Xander was sitting on the couch, Spike standing a few feet away glaring at Angel.

The two vampires and the human were alone in the living room. The watcher and the girls were in the Magic Box getting the supplies they needed for the spell they would cast later that night.

“You said you’d stay away,” Angel said and looked at Xander. The boy looked up at the vampire and shook his head slowly as if he hadn’t slept in months.

“They needed blood from a human…” Xander mumbled, “I’m human…”

“Don‘t touch him,” Spike said to Angel as he leant closer to Xander. The Master vampires glared at each other.

“You can’t give them any of your blood, Xander,” Angel said, “You might be human but you’re not…”

“I’m tired,” Xander said and looked over at Spike. Angel took a deep breath, scenting the boy.

“What the hell?” Angel growled and turned to Spike, “You drugged him?”

“No I didn’t, pillock,” Spike said, “Boy’s on some drugs for his anxiety attacks,” Spike said the last two words with a mocking tone. “Took some last night. Apparently some bastard made him anxious.”

Angel turned to Xander. The boy was getting up. His movements sluggish. “It’s okay…” Xander said, “The girls think I take something for my back pains…they don’t know about the…” Xander stumbled a few steps and Angel reached out and grabbed him by the upper arm.

Xander gasped and shuddered. His skin immediately feeling warmer and his cheeks blushing. Angel felt it as well. The heat spreading through him, waking every cell in his body. Angel was about to say something when Spike pushed Angel’s hand away.

“Don’t you fucking come between me and my consort, William!” Angel growled and Xander let out a small sound, his eyes growing wide.

“A-angelus?” Xander whispered desperately. Angel turned and looked at Xander, realising what had almost happened, he let go of Xander’s arm so suddenly the boy almost fell. Spike steadied the human and pulled him slowly back.

“Better take him home," Angel said and moved several feet away.

“Yeah,” Spike said uncertainly and started dragging Xander out of the living room.

Xander twisted around so he could look back at Angel. The human’s eyes big and hopeful.

Angel shook his head, erasing the hope with one simple movement.


	4. Chapter 4

Spike pulled the sleeping human closer. Xander made a small noise and then just carried on sleeping. It wasn’t the first time Spike had held the boy while he slept. Often, too often in Spike’s opinion, the boy would toss and turn most of the night. Xander would be tired the day after a night like that and would always end up coming home from the construction site with bruises or cuts because he hadn’t been paying attention.

Spike inhaled the boy’s scent and growled quietly. He always smelled slightly sick, as if he was on the verge of a serious disease. As if his body was minutes from collapsing. The two jobs didn’t help. Xander turned in his sleep and pushed his face against the blond vampire’s chest. The warm moist breath tickled and Spike gently pushed Xander away.

Spike had let things go too far only once. Xander had been crying in his sleep and Spike had crawled into the boy’s bed and had caressed him and hummed an old half-forgotten lullaby. Xander had pushed himself closer to the vampire and before Spike had any idea what was going on they were kissing.

Xander had kept saying “Please…please”. The boy had kissed Spike as if he was drowning and Spike was the only air available. Spike had been the one to stop it when Xander had cried while unbuttoning Spike’s jeans.

The boy had completely lost it that night and had cried himself to sleep while Spike sat on the couch staring at the damp basement walls.

Holding the boy in his arms while the rising sun painted the sky yellow, Spike’s eyes were locked on the shirt hanging over the chair in the corner. It was a red silk shirt. Not Xander’s and not Spike’s. Xander only took it out of the closet when things were really bad.

Spike had once tried to throw it out but Xander had screamed and begged the vampire. Had promised all kinds of things, things that had made Spike feel slightly ill, if only Xander could have Angelus’ shirt back.

\------------------------------------------------------

Angel looked at the small pinpoint wound on his chest. Strange that such a small wound could potentially kill him. He had survived Darla and her psychotic games, demons, other vampires, slayers and gypsies. But this little wound might actually be the death of him…well…the final death.

“So…” Buffy began “It doesn’t look that bad.”

“I know,” Angel said and winched when the slayer gently prodded the skin around the wound.

“Looks can be deceiving,” Giles said and took off his glasses so he could see the wound up close “But Rr’ackna demons are known for their venomous small needle-thin stinger.”

“Like a scorpion?” Willow asked and looked up from the book of healing she was looking through.

“Yes, quite,” the watcher nodded.

“But Angel’s a vampire…He’ll be fine, right?” Buffy asked and looked nervous.

“No…unfortunately it doesn’t matter whether the one getting wounded is human or demon. The only difference is that a human would die in a matter of minutes, perhaps even seconds, while a vampire could survive for maybe two month or three…maybe even more.”

“But there’s an antidote. Right?” Buffy said.

“Oh yes…Wesley asked me to help him with the casting of the necessary spell…He‘s been busy finding the herbs,” Giles said and pointed to the book Willow was reading, “It’s a very difficult spell and it will require that the three of us, Wesley, Willow and myself, cast it together.”

“So when will Wesley get here?” Buffy asked and helped Angel with his shirt. Angel stepped back and Buffy looked confused when the vampire started buttoning the shirt himself. The slayer’s hands hovered in the air and then disappeared into her pockets.

“He’ll be here tomorrow night,” Angel said and wouldn’t look Buffy in the eyes.

\--------------------------------------------------

Spike watched as Xander came out of the bathroom. The boy’s too thin frame covered by a pair of old jeans and a green t-shirt. The dark hair was still a little wet.

“Shouldn’t go outside like that,” Spike said.

“What? Why not? It’s not…I got rid of that pink shirt with the yellow pelicans on it,” Xander said and Spike sniggered. The vampire was glad to see the boy smiling.

“Good. Cause my eyes felt like they might start bleeding if I had ta look at that monstrosity again,” Spike teased, “Was talking ‘bout the wet hair, git.” Xander reached up and touched his hair.

“Oh….well…okay, Mom,” Xander snorted “I’ll just go dry my hair then.”

\-------------------------------------------------

Wesley looked up when Spike and Xander walked into Giles’ living room.

“Xander,” Wesley nodded in greeting and looked over at Spike, “Spike,” the ex-watcher said dryly.

Willow smiled and rolled her eyes behind Wesley’s back.

Spike just growled and started to push Xander toward the kitchen. “Gotta go get the whelp fed,” Spike mumbled and pushed the door to the kitchen open. 

Xander whispered, “What’s Wesley doing here?”

“Probably here to pick up the wanker and take him back to LA,” Spike growled and opened the fridge.

“Um…I ate before we left the apartment, Spike,” Xander murmured but Spike just looked at him and started taking out some bread, cheese and ham.

“Could stand ta eat some more,” Spike started making a sandwich. Xander nodded. They both knew he’d take a few bites and then lose his appetite.

“Maybe we should just leave before…before,” Xander said and looked over at the door, “Maybe he’ll stay…” Xander quietly said.

“Naw, Wesley’ll go back to LA,” Spike said as he found a plate for the sandwich.

“Wasn’t talking about him…” Xander whispered and took the plate from Spike.

“Know you weren’t,” Spike said and started taking out his lighter and cigarettes.

“You can’t smoke in here,” Xander said, “Giles would get really pissed off.”

“Bloody watcher and his bloody rules,” Spike grumbled.

“Just go outside,” Xander said and pointed at the door leading from the kitchen outside to the small garden.

“Don’t wanna leave you here,” Spike said.

“I’ll be okay,” Xander looked down at his sandwich, “I’ll just finish this. Okay?” Xander asked.

“You sure, pet?” Spike said.

“Yeah,” Xander smiled sadly. 

Yeah, Spike thought, you're just gonna dump it in the trash the second I’m out the door.

“Come outside when ya done. We’ll go rent a movie or something,” the vampire said and left the kitchen.

Xander was leaning against the kitchen counter, eating his sandwich, when he heard Angel and Buffy arrive. Xander didn’t move an inch. He just stood very still and listened.

\----------------------------------------------------

“Well, according to this text we will need blood from someone close to Angel,” Giles said and started reading, “Knenash p’ikaq quiat whueam.” Willow frowned and started looking the words up in the demon dictionary.

“Could we get that in English please?” Buffy said.

“Beloved, kin or mate…roughly translated,” Wesley said and Giles nodded approvingly.

“Well…” Giles said, “Angel is a vampire so he doesn’t have any true family left…and he doesn’t have a consort…”

\---------------------------------------------------

 

Xander was standing in the kitchen listening. Waiting for Angel’s answer. The sandwich forgotten on the plate he was holding in his sweaty hands.

\----------------------------------------------------

“No,” Angel said, “No living relatives and no consort.” 

“Well that leaves the beloved,” Willow chirped helpfully and looked over at Buffy, “Could we use Buffy’s blood?” the witch asked.

\-------------------------------------------------

Xander threw the rest of the sandwich in the garbage can under the sink and put the plate on the counter. He stood there and stared at the water drip dripping into the sink for a few seconds before he walked out of the back door and into the garden.


	5. Chapter 5

Angel felt like screaming when Giles described the ritual needed to make the potion. He would have to feed from his beloved, and since he didn’t have family left and since he had denounced Xander with two small words, he would have to feed from Buffy.

He was trying to think of a way out of the situation when Willow looked up from her book and asked

“Where did Xander go?”

“Spike said something about Xander needing to eat,” Wesley mumbled as he put his books back on the shelves behind him. Angel focused on the heartbeats in the house and the scents coming from the kitchen.

“Oh…” Willow said and forgot about the book, “Maybe we should…” she started.

“He’s not here,“ Angel interrupted her, “Spike must have taken him home.”

“That always freaks me out,” Buffy said, “The way Spike hangs around Xander all the time.”

“I think they’re…friends,” Dawn offered uncertainly.

“Spike wouldn’t know how to be anybodies friend,” Buffy snorted but Willow looked concerned.

“They do seem to spend quite a lot of time together,” Giles said and looked over at Angel, “You don’t think…”

“What?” Willow asked.

“Well, it’s possible that Spike and Xander are…well,” the watcher mumbled and suddenly seemed to realise that his glasses needed to be cleaned.

“Are?” Buffy asked as she sat back and looked from Giles to Angel.

“Together?” Willow gasped “But Xander…he…”

Angel felt a sudden need to find Spike and kill him. He could feel Angelus straining against his restraints, could feel the borrowed blood in his body rush faster and faster through his veins.

“You must admit that Xander has been alone for quite some time,” Giles said and Angel attempted to focus on the watcher’s steady voice.

“He…yeah,” Willow nodded sadly, “He hasn’t dated since…I can’t even remember when,” the witch looked over at the slayer.

“I can’t think of a single time that he’s been out on a date…I honestly think it’s been years,” Buffy said.

“So maybe he’s um…dating Spike,” Dawn blushed.

“No,” Angel growled. The others looked at him.

“Are you quite sure that …” Giles tried.

“I would have known,” Angel said.

“Ah yes of course,” Giles said, “He’s your childe…you would sense it, I’m sure.”

Angel noticed how Wesley was focusing on him. The ex-watcher’s eyes thoughtful.

\-------------------------------------------------

“Why on earth did you choose this movie?” Xander said, as they sat on the couch and watched the horrible acting on the TV-screen.

“What? It’s a classic,” Spike sniggered.

“Jugular Wine?” Xander said and shook his head, ”It’s crap, Spike.”

“Voted the worst vampire movie ever,” the blond vampire said.

“And shouldn’t that have…whoa…did he just harpoon that woman,” Xander said and pointed at the TV-screen.

”Yeah,” Spike sounded far too happy about that.

”Well…” Xander said and looked over at Spike, ”Guess it wouldn’t hurt to watch it.”

\--------------------------------------------

Spike wasn’t fooled by the boy’s behaviour. The mask of bumbling-awkward-loyal-friend might fool the slayer and the witch but it didn’t fool Spike. The scent coming from the boy spoke of pure despair.

“You want another beer, Spike?” Xander asked as he got up from the couch.

“Sure,” Spike nodded, “Want me ta put it on pause?” the vampire gestured at the TV-screen.

“Honestly don’t think I’ll be missing anything good if you don’t,” Xander smiled and went into the kitchen, “You want some more popcorn?” the human asked poking his head into the living room again.

”Sure, pet…could use some blood with that,” Spike said.

”Blood, beer and popcorn coming up,” Xander said from the kitchen.

\--------------------------------------------

Xander felt like he was part of some strange play. Pretending that everything was all right, even though the actor and the audience knew better. He put the popcorn in the microwave oven and opened the fridge and took the two beers out.

It was all pretence. Make-believe. Xander was a happy carefree construction worker who lived with his good friend and roommate. He had good friends and his life was good. Only it wasn’t and he wasn’t happy or carefree. He drowned his sorrow in prescription drugs. His good friends were oblivious to the fact that he was walking the edge every day, every hour. The only thing true about it was that Spike was his friend and roommate.

He took the pill bottle out of his pocket and looked at it. Sleeping pills. He used them one or two times a week. The text on the bottle was blurred from all the times Xander had kept the bottle in his pocket. He opened the it and looked at the handful of pills. Small white pieces of deep sleep.

Pills for forgetting what Angel had said. He looked over at the door leading to the living room. He could hear Spike mocking the bad acting and couldn’t help smiling.

He let the pills slide from the bottle into his hand. Maybe there would be enough there. Maybe…He found a glass and filled it with water. He put four pills in his mouth and swallowed some of the tepid water. He repeated that until all the pills were gone. He hated swallowing pills.

The microwave dinged and he took out the popcorn and put the mug of blood in. He stood there and watched the green mug go round and round in the yellow light of the microwave.

”Where’s that beer?” Spike called.

”Just waiting for the blood to warm,” Xander answered, his eyes locked on the empty pill bottle standing on the kitchen counter. He took the bottle and threw it in the garbage can.

\--------------------------------------------------

”You don’t think…” Buffy asked when she was alone with Angel in the kitchen.

”What?” Angel said, still feeling Angelus growling in the back of his head.

”You don’t think Spike could take advantage of Xander?” Buffy said, ”I mean he’s been so lonely and we’ve tried to get him to date…” Angel felt like ripping the room apart. The thought of Xander with someone else made him feel sick.

”No,” Angel managed to snarl, ”Spike wouldn’t dare…” Angel noticed Buffy’s surprised expression, ”I mean…the chip wouldn’t allow him to hurt Xander,” Angel finished.

”Are you…” Buffy started but Angel cut her off.

”I should get back to the motel,” Angel turned and walked out of Buffy’s house.

\--------------------------------------------------

Spike looked over at Xander. The boy had passed out during the movie. Spike took the blanket from the chair next to the couch and made sure Xander wouldn’t wake up because he felt cold.

The movie was finished. Thank God. It really had been a crappy movie. Spike snorted and got up. He picked up the empty popcorn bowls and the beer cans. There was no reason the boy should have to take care of that when he woke up.

In the kitchen Spike put the bowls in the dishwasher and flipped the lid of the small garbage can open. He was just about to throw the empty beer cans out when he noticed the pill bottle. He threw the beer cans in to the garbage can and grabbed the pill bottle.

The text on the label was blurry. Worn down by sweaty hands. Spike wasn’t sure, but he thought it said Ambien. The vampire walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. Xander hadn’t moved an inch. Actually, when Spike thought about it, Xander hadn’t moved at all the past half hour or so.

\-------------------------------------------------

Angel was resting on the bed, staring at the ceiling of his motel room. The nicotine stains marred the otherwise white paint. The vampire was still fighting the urge to go find his childe and beat the unlife out of him. Angel knew that Spike wouldn’t use Xander. The blond vampire might not be one of God’s purest creatures but he would never hurt his Sire’s consort.

Thinking about Xander always made Angel feel slightly needy. In need of that amazingly warm body and those beautiful brown eyes looking up at him. Even if Angelus had been the one to take Xander as a consort, he had done it using Angel’s body and Angel felt the pull almost as strongly as Angelus.

The hazy memories of what Angelus and Xander had done together always lingered in the back of Angel’s mind. Teasing him with the possibility of more. And Angel knew that if he went to Xander and demanded what he really wanted, the boy would comply. Xander would comply because it was what he wanted as well.

Angel’s cell phone rang, the vampire sighed and dug around in the leather jacket draped over the chair next to the bed. He finally found the cell phone and flipped it open.

 

”Yeah?” he mumbled tiredly.

”He’s not waking up,” Spike almost yelled.

”Who?” Angel said and sat up straighter.

”Xander…Bloody hell…Come on boy wake up,” Angel could hear Spike slap Xander a few times.

”Spike, what the hell…”

 

”He won’t wake up…Come on, Xander!…How many did ya take, stupid wanker?” Spike’s voice sounded muffled as if he wasn’t holding the phone anymore.

”Spike? Spike?” Angel yelled.

”Gotta get up…’K Xander…gotta get ya moving…” Spike’s muffled voice sounded frantic.

”Spike? I’m coming…Spike?” Angel grabbed his jacket and slammed the door to the motel room behind him as he ran over to his car. ”I’ll be there in a few minutes,” he yelled into the cell phone and tossed it at the passenger seat before he drove out of the parking lot.


	6. Chapter 6

Angel burst through the door to the apartment, thanking the gods that a vampire always had access to its consort’s home. He could hear Spike curse and water running.

Angel found the bathroom. Spike was standing fully clothed in the shower. His jeans and t-shirt were drenched as he held an unconscious Xander under the cold spray of the showerhead. Xander’s clothes were soaked as well. The sweatpants clinging to his hips and legs.

“Come on, pet,” Spike pleaded, “Gotta wake up, yeah?!”

“What the hell happened?” Angel said drawing Spike’s attention away from the lax body.

“Bloody well took an overdose,” Spike growled and ran a hand through Xander’s dark wet hair, moving it out of the human’s face. Angel stepped into the bathroom and over to the shower stall.

Spike growled at him, “Go get the car,” Angel nodded and ran out of the apartment. He moved his black car as close to the front door as he could get it and then ran up the stairs again.

Spike was carrying Xander over to the door when Angel came in.

“Here, let me…” Angel began but Spike interrupted him.

“Don’t ya touch him. This is your bloody fault,” Spike shouldered his way past the older vampire, leaving Angel to follow if he wanted to.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

When Angel got down to the car Spike was trying to get the human into the backseat. Angel stepped forward and helped. Xander’s skin was damp and cold. Angel looked up at Spike when the blond vampire made sure Xander’s head was resting in his lap.

“Let’s go,” Spike growled, “The faster we get there the faster we can get him some help.”

Angel nodded and scrambled into the car and drove out of the parking lot.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

Angel stood there in the waiting room with a completely drenched Spike next to him. Spike hadn’t spoken once since explaining things to the doctors and nurses. The blond vampire just paced back and forth, only stopping when a doctor came out of the emergency room. But no doctor had been out to talk to the two vampires. All they could do was wait.

“Wouldn’t have happened if ya weren’t such a bastard,” Spike growled and Angel was about to tell him to shut up when a nurse came over to them.

“Um…Are you relatives of Mr. Harris?” the young nurse asked nervously and looked at the two very angry men.

“Yes we’re…family,“ Angel said, “How is he doing?” the vampire asked and felt Spike move closer to him.

“We had to empty his stomach and give him different kinds of medication but he’s still unconscious and will probably stay that way for the next few hours. Unless the doctor decides to keep him sedated,” Angel felt Spike’s fingers curl around his wrist.

“But he’ll recover fully?” Angel asked.

“Yes…He’ll be very weak for a few days, but apart from that he should recover fully,” the nurse answered and looked at the two men, “You can go see him…but you’ll have to keep quiet.”

\-----------------------------------------------

Spike gently touched Xander’s cheek. The vampire was still looking at the human when he started speaking, “If ya hadn’t completed the claim…if you’d just left him,” Spike finally looked up at Angel, “I would have claimed him myself. Would have made him my consort.” Angel started growling and Spike smirked.

“You keep your hands away from him, Spike,” Angel snarled, “I won’t stand by and let you hurt him.” Spike’s teasing smile disappeared.

“Hurt him?!” Spike grabbed onto Xander’s wrist and lifted the unconscious man’s arm.

“Hurt him?” the blond vampire repeated and turned Xander’s hand over, “You see those scars?” Angel flinched, “You know how he got those? Ain’t the first time he’s tried to kill himself,” Spike’s fingers ghosted over the scars, “Did this before I came back to Sunnydale,” the vampire whispered.

“You being around didn’t stop him, did it?” Angel said. He didn’t like the way Spike was touching Xander. Didn’t like that his Childe was closer to his consort than he was himself.

“Was doing fine before you chose ta come back and torment him,” Spike hissed.

“I need to call Buffy,” Angel said and started walking out of the room.

“Yeah, better run off and make sure ya precious slayer is all right…don’t ya worry ‘bout your consort.”

Angel stopped by the door. His hand hovering over the door handle. Then he pushed the door open and walked out. He leant against the wall right outside the room and closed his eyes.

\----------------------------------------------

“I would have thought you’d have called Buffy or Willow first,” Wesley said and looked at Angel. The vampire seemed to be tired and he kept looking over at the room Xander was in.

“Yes well…I need you to try to put a spell on Xander,” Angel mumbled.

“A spell…was magic involved in his accident?” Wesley asked.

“No, but he needs to forget certain things and I’d appreciate if you could cast the necessary spell,” Angel said and sighed, “It’s hard to explain but it’s important that he forgets so he can get on with his life.”

Wesley frowned and nodded.

\-----------------------------------------------

Spike looked up when Angel and Wesley came through the door.

“Why’d ya bring the watcher?” Spike asked and made sure he was standing between Wesley and Xander.

“Is he going to be here during…” Wesley began.

“No, he’s leaving!” Angel said and walked over to the blond vampire.

“Like bloody hell I am,” Spike snarled and looked from Angel to Wesley.

“Do you really want me to demand my Sire Rights. I could ban you from ever seeing him again,” Angel said, “I could order you out of Sunnydale.” Spike went into game face and Angel grabbed onto his childe’s shoulder.

“Angel, is this really necessary?” Wesley asked uncertainly.

“I’ll go,” Spike said and looked Angel in the eyes “But if ya hurt him…” the threat was left unsaid.

“He’ll be fine,” Angel promised, “He’ll be better than fine.”

Spike walked over to the door and looked back at Xander. “If you hurt him, I’ll kill you, watcher,” Spike said before he let the door close behind him.

\----------------------------------------------

“I’ll need to be left alone with him,” Wesley said and looked up at Angel.

“Why?” Angel asked. Wesley noticed that the vampire’s fingers were gently caressing the boy’s upper arm.

“I need to concentrate and I need to do this in as quiet an environment as possible,” the ex-watcher explained.

Angel nodded, “Could I have a few minutes alone with him?” Angel asked and Wesley turned around and left the room.

\------------------------------------------

“This will make things much easier for you, Xander,” Angel whispered in Xander’s ear.

“You’l forget about Angelus and what happened between you. You’ll have a chance at a normal life. No more suicide attempts, no more pain. You won’t have to hide anymore. You can go out there and find someone who…who deserves you,” Angel ran a hand through Xander’s dark hair.

He kissed the human’s forehead. “You could…could be happy without those memories…the claim will still be there…it’ll still keep you safe and I’ll still remember everything. But you’ll be free and…”

Angel was at a loss. He had so many things he wanted to say but Angelus was trying to push his way to the front of his mind, was trying to force Angel back. Angel kissed Xander’s lips once and stepped back.

“You deserve to be happy, Xander. You more than anyone else.”

Angel didn’t notice that Wesley was standing right outside the door listening.


	7. Chapter 7

Wesley looked down at Xander. He remembered the goofy boy he’d met when he first arrived in Sunnydale, but this wasn’t really the same boy. Xander was a young man now.

Apparently a young man with a past Angel wanted him to forget.

Wesley had noticed, how Angel had always gone to great lengths not to mention the boy, whenever they had discussed Sunnydale or the people there. There was a large Xander-shaped hole in every Sunnydale conversation and it always made Wesley wonder.

The ex-watcher leant forward and pulled the covers a little down exposing Xander’s upper body. The young man was wearing a white hospital gown. Wesley looked down at Xander’s hands and let his fingers trace the almost invisible scars that marred the pale wrists.

The Xander that Wesley remembered, didn’t seem even the slightest bit suicidal. Always ready to face the next dangerous demon, always ready to fight for his life. Yet he did remember how changed the boy had been after his ordeal with the hyena possession.

Wesley took a deep breath. He had a theory. He had always been taught to support his theories with hard evidence, but this was a theory he hoped to prove wrong. He reached out and gently, as if worried the movement would wake Xander up, pulled the unconscious man’s shirt down exposing his shoulder and collarbone.

His theory had just become fact.

\--------------------------------------------------------

Angel was standing outside Xander’s room when Wesley quietly opened the door and came out. The ex-watcher’s back was stiff and his eyes were dark.

“Is it…” Angel started but was stopped by Wesley’s hand grabbing onto his wrist.

“Shut up and walk,” Wesley hissed and started pushing Angel over to the elevator.

\---------------------------------------------------------

Angel was pushed through the door to the parking basement under the hospital. He turned around and glared at Wesley. The ex-watcher looked grim.

“What the hell is going on Wesley? Didn’t the spell work?” Angel asked. The vampire had expected an answer. Perhaps even a long eloquent answer.

Angel hadn’t expected Wesley to hit him in the face with a strong clenched fist.

“What the hell are you doing to that boy?” Wesley yelled at the stunned vampire.

“I…I,” Angel managed before Wesley continued.

“You think you can just play with him like that? Use him and then leave? How fucking long has he been suffering?” Wesley seemed taller and his eyes were dark with rage.

“I didn’t do it, Wesley. Angelus…”

“Don’t you hide behind that sociopath!” Wesley said, “You knew what had happened and you still left Sunnydale. You left your consort behind. Did you even consider what would happen to Xander if you got yourself dusted?”

Angel wordlessly shook his head.

“Have you ever seen a consort after its master has been killed?” Wesley asked his voice quiet but still menacing.

Angel had killed a few Master vampires in his time. He knew a few of them had had consorts but Darla always made sure to drain them. Angel’s sire had said that they owed the consorts that much respect.

“No I’ve never…but I wouldn’t have…” Angel attempted.

“Well I have!” Wesley stepped closer to Angel. The ex-watcher’s mouth inches from the vampire’s ear, “I once helped track down a Master vampire and his consort. I was just a student so I didn’t actually get to do anything.”

“The watcher, my teacher, managed to dust the vampire. He was already weak from an earlier fight with a demon so it wasn’t really that hard,” Angel could feel Wesley’s anger, “The consort was brought back to the headquarters. You know what they did to her?”

Wesley moved a little so he was face to face with the souled vampire, “They locked her in a room. We were supposed to observe her…It didn’t take long for her to go mad. She wouldn’t eat and she kept scratching her skin until she started bleeding.”

Wesley took a deep breath, “It was my job to document it. The whole disgusting mess. Two months, Angel. It took two months for her to die. Her skin got infected, she lost so much weight that she could barely move. I’d take notes and file reports and then go home and throw up. It was so fucking pathetic. She only asked for one thing during those two months.”

Wesley stepped away. Just a few steps creating a distance between the vampire and the human, “She just wanted to die, Angel. That was her only request. She pulled her hair out, gnawed her fingernails until she actually started gnawing her fingers, pulled strips of skin of and quietly cried and begged for release,” Angel looked away.

“When she finally died…she looked like…” Wesley put a hand over his mouth and looked sick.

“I didn’t know,” Angel whispered, “I…Consorts are rare, Wesley. You know that. I couldn’t find a single book that described the relationship properly. I just…I hoped that if he had time…He’d finally move on.”

“You never even…” Wesley seemed to have calmed down. The ex-watcher was leaning against the cold concrete wall, “You could have told me…I would have…If you had gotten yourself dusted I would have come here, to Sunnydale, I would have ended it for Xander. Painlessly.”

“So the spell…Even if you did the spell…?” Angel asked.

“He would lose the memories but he’d never feel whole. He would spend his life looking for that thing he was missing. I still don’t understand how you’ve managed to stay away from him. The pull between a vampire and its consort is suppose to be strong, separation causes suffering.”

“Why do you think I spend so much time training and patrolling?” Angel said quietly, “I keep busy so I won’t have time to think about him…and that’s when Angelus isn’t torturing me with all the things they did together. I can almost taste Xander’s blood sometimes. Like a fire running through me…”

“Why didn’t you bring him with you to LA?” Wesley pushed away from the wall he was leaning on.

“Xander wasn’t really Xander when Angelus claimed him. The hyena…its bloodlust and cruelty drew Angelus to Xander. It fascinated Angelus to find someone almost as ruthless as himself,” Angel ran a hand through his hair. “I couldn’t condemn Xander to a life tied to me. If I had claimed Xander…If it had been me and Xander and not Angelus and the hyena then…”

“You would have taken him with you,” Wesley concluded. Angel sighed and nodded.

“It’s not too late to fix this, Angel,” Wesley said and put a hand on the vampire’s shoulder.

“Buffy…” Angel started.

“You’ll never find someone who’ll make you forget about your consort. And he is your consort. Trying to find solace in the slayer will not solve the problem. You’ll just be condemning her to a life as second choice.”

“I know,” Angel said.

“Come on,” Wesley started walking over to the elevator.

“Where’re we going?” Angel reluctantly followed the ex-watcher.

“I’m going back to my motel room to get some sleep. You…” Wesley turned and pointed at Angel, “You’re going to go up there and be with your consort.”


	8. Chapter 8

Angel stood by Xander’s hospital bed. Xander was asleep, his mouth slightly open. Angel reached out and touched a lock of dark hair that curled behind Xander’s ear. A sudden contentment flooded the vampire’s body. He knew that would happen if he touched Xander for more than a few seconds. Had known that he could drown in that feeling and forget what he had promised himself. A stupid promise that had ended up hurting the one person he had aimed to protect. Angel sat down in the chair next to the bed and watched Xander sleep. 

Angel touched the wound on his own chest. It had started itching the day before and he knew the ritual would have to be held very soon. He would be forced to explain to Buffy why they couldn’t use her blood. Would have to admit that only Xander’s blood would be any good. Angel pushed his chair closer to Xander’s bed and rested his head on the edge of it. The covers creaked with every movement and the sound of doctors, nurses and other patients flowed through the walls.

The doctor had told him that Xander would be waking up in a few hours. Angel took Xander’s hand in his and traced the scar on the wrist with his thumb. Xander had been desperate enough to try to do that to himself, before Spike had returned to Sunnydale. The blond vampire had shown more loyalty to his Sire’s consort than anyone else, including Angel. 

Angel leant back in the chair, Xander’s hand still in his, and fell asleep. 

\------------------------------------------------------------ 

“Well, what do we have here?” Angelus smirked and watched as the boy turned around to look at him. Xander smiled, showing all his teeth. “Slayer’s little defenceless boy out on his own? That can’t be right,” Angelus walked closer and watched as the boy tilted his head. 

“Yeah? What are you gonna do about it, old man?” Xander teased and backed slowly away. Angelus kept moving forward until Xander ended up with his back against the dank alley wall. 

“Have a few things in mind,” he whispered and cupped the boy’s face in his large hands. 

“Like?” Xander asked. 

Angelus leant in and licked the boy’s lips. “Like that,” he growled and nuzzled the warm throat “Tastes like you’ve already feed,” Angelus’ breath ruffled the small hairs on Xander’s neck. Xander moaned and nodded. 

“Couldn’t wait for you,” he whispered and rolled his hips making the Master vampire hiss. “She tasted really good,” Xander looked over at the garbage cans standing in the shadows of the alley. A young woman was slumped against them, most of her neck and shoulder missing. 

“Should have waited. We could have shared her,” Angelus pulled Xander’s t-shirt away, revealing the claim mark hidden by the dark blue cotton. 

“I could still eat,” Xander shivered and looked up at Angelus. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------- 

The boy’s warmth always seemed to seep through his skin and into Angelus’ cooler body. The feeling of Xander’s warm blood running into his mouth and down his throat made the Master vampire shiver. He slumped forward, resting all his weight on the slightly smaller body underneath him. 

Xander reached up and ran his fingers through Angelus’ hair. The boy started chuckling when he felt, more then heard, Angelus start to purr.

\----------------------------------------------------------- 

Angel blinked. Someone was running warm fingers through his hair. He felt the soft covers of Xander’s hospital bed pressing against his cheek and slowly sat up. The warm fingers disappeared and Angel looked over at Xander. The human was awake, his left hand resting on the edge of the bed where Angel’s head had been seconds before.

“You’re awake.” Angel said. Xander just nodded and pulled the hand back under the covers. Xander looked uncertain, his eyes moving over the white walls of the hospital room.

“The hospital?” Xander asked, his voice weak and hoarse.

“Yeah…you,” Angel didn’t really know what to say. 

“I fucked up,” Xander moaned and shifted minutely under the covers “I kinda hoped…” 

“You…Spike said you’ve tried to…do that before,” Angel stood up and pulled the covers aside just enough to take Xander’s hand. He traced the scar on the boy’s wrist. Xander’s eyes widened and he pulled his hand out of the vampire’s grasp. 

“When are you…when are you leaving?” Xander asked quietly, his eyes still scanning the room. 

“I’m…I still have some things to take care off,” Angel sat back down “And I’m not going back alone.” 

“Buffy?” Xander asked and looked away. 

“Buffy? What?” Angel shook his head “No…I…You could come back with me. To LA.” 

“I-I don’t think…,” Xander started “I don’t think I could live there, Angel. I don’t want to…You’re right about this,” Xander waved his hand back and forth between them “Us is…You’re not Angelus and I can’t be what you want…I’ve seen what happens to people who live together despite the fact that they hate each other, Angel.” 

“I don’t hate you,” Angel said. 

“Y-you tolerate me…because you have to,” Xander murmured “You don’t want me and I can…” 

“What?” Angel asked loudly “What? You can live with that? Cause if you hadn’t noticed you really don’t seem capable of that. What’ll you try next time? Jump out in front of a car…because we both know there isn’t a vamp out there stupid enough to actually drain you.” 

Xander looked away “A car would be…Jumping in front of a car wouldn’t be fair to the one driving it. I thought about jumping of a building but if it went wrong…I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair or hooked up to machines.” Angel desperately wanted Xander to stop talking but couldn’t find the words. 

“I already tried cutting my wrists but…turned out I’m a wimp…the pain was just too…Hanging myself? I-I…thought about that but what if Willow or Dawn were the ones to find me? I couldn’t… drown myself… I’d just…I hate…” 

“Oh God,” Angel said and scrubbed his face with his hands. 

“I know you don’t love me, Angel.” Xander whispered as if saying the words out loud was breaking his heart “I…maybe you were right about Angelus not loving me either.” 

“No, Xander.” Angel said and walked over to the window and looked out at the dark streets of Sunnydale. “I lied about that. Angelus…he did love you,” Angel turned and looked Xander in the eyes “A vampire can’t initiate a consort bond if they don’t love…” 

“But you’re not Angelus,” Xander said quietly. 

“No, I’m not...but I still want you to go with me to LA.” 

“Why? So I can be tormented every day? Watching you, wanting to touch you but not being allowed to?” Xander shivered “No, I-I…I can’t do that.” 

“I…You’re not the only one who’s suffered, Xander.” Angel walked over to the bed “I’ve spent the last couple of years keeping a lid on my feelings. I dream about what happened between you and Angelus. The bond goes both ways. The differences is that the consort is much more dependent on the vampire. That’s why I could…” 

“Live with it,” Xander finished for him “Why you could live with it and I just seem to wither away.” 

“Yes.” 

“If I go with you…What would the difference be? You still don’t want me…only then I’d get to see it up close…every day.” 

“I’m willing to…try this, Xander. We’ll have to get to know each other. I’m not Angelus and you’re not…” 

“A homicidal primal?” Xander asked. 

“Yeah.”

\------------------------------------------------------------ 

Angel stepped out of the elevator and walked through the door to the parking basement underneath the hospital. Before he knew what was happening he was flying through the air slamming headfirst into the side of his car. 

Blurry eyed he got to his feet and staggered back a few steps until his back hit the car. He shook his head and opened his eyes just in time to see a tire iron slash the air and hit him in the face. He grunted and fell to his knees. 

“Fucking wanker!” Spike roared and kicked Angel in the ribs. 

“S-spike…,” Angel gasped. 

“So you're just gonna piss off ta LA now? Ya all done tormenting the boy?” Another kick in the ribs made Angel scramble back and finally stand up. When Spike moved closer Angel reached out and ripped the tire iron out of the blond vampire’s hands. Spike snarled and stepped back. 

“For fuck’s sake!” Angel growled and threw the tire iron away. The sound of it hitting the concrete floor loud in the dark basement parking lot. 

“I’m not tormenting him.” 

“Yeah? Well why the hell did ya call your pet watcher if ya didn’t want him to mojo the boy?” 

“I did want him to cast a spell,” Angel began and caught Spike’s fist a split second before it connected with his face “But he wouldn’t do it.” 

“Not as stupid as you’d hoped then, yeah.” Spike mocked taking a step back “So you just go back ta your fancy agency and help out the fucking helpless and leave the boy’s care ta me.” 

“I’m taking him with me to LA,” Angel said and took a deep unnecessary breath. 

“Whot?” 

“I’m taking him with me to LA. You were right. Wesley was right. I’ve been neglecting Xander for too long. He’s suffered because I’ve been too much of a coward to face facts.” 

“Um…,“ Spike looked at Angel’s split eyebrow and bleeding nose “Well…I’m not apologising for that,” he said and pointed at Angel. 

“Yeah, I know.” Angel stood up and stretched, wincing when he felt bones grate against each other. 

“Broken ribs?” Spike smirked. 

“Yeah.” 

“Well, ya deserved it…wanker,” Spike pointed out. 

“Yeah,” Angel admitted “I did.”


	9. Chapter 9

Xander sighed in his sleep and frowned. His face suddenly going pale and the scent of fear filled the room. Angel looked up and moved closer to the bed. He reached out and took Xander’s hand. Xander flinched and curled up under the covers, his hand slipping out of Angel’s. 

A knock on the door made Angel move away from the sleeping human and over to the door. Before he could open it someone did it for him and Willow peeked her head in. 

“Oh, Angel.” the witch seemed surprised and Angel stepped back. 

“Come in, Willow. He’s sleeping right now,” Angel said and moved away, making room for the young woman. She nodded and stepped inside the room. Angel heard her take a deep breath when she saw Xander. 

“Spike said he’d had an accident,” Willow whispered. 

“I told him to call you,” Angel moved over to the bed and took Xander’s hand in his, gently stroking the broad palm. 

“W-what happened?” Willow reached out a trembling hand to touch Xander’s pale cheek. 

“What did Spike tell you?” 

“He said…he said Xander took some medication. That he made some kind of mistake,” Willow looked up at Angel. Her eyes were filled with unshed tears. 

“Spike lied,” Angel said quietly “I asked him not to tell you…I wanted to be the one…” 

“What happened?” Willow looked down at her best friend. 

“Xander tried to kill himself,” Angel murmured and brushed a lock of hair away from Xander’s forehead. 

“No,” Willow said as if that would change the facts “No, he wouldn’t do something like that.” 

“He’s been depressed for a long time, Willow.” Angel said and looked up at the witch. 

“But not…he wouldn’t…Not Xander,” Willow stammered. Angel moved around the bed and pulled her close. She was trembling and her slim fingers held on to Angel’s shirt. 

“Willow, there’re thing I need to tell you. You have to promise me that you’ll hear me out. That you won’t tell Buffy. I need to be the one to tell her,” Angel looked down at Willow and she nodded biting her lip. 

Angel let go of the trembling witch and pulled the other chair over to hers and made her sit down. “When you couldn’t find Xander…back when he was possessed by the hyena spirit…He was still in Sunnydale. I was…Angelus and he…I met Xander.” 

“What…” Willow began but stopped when Angel looked her in the eyes. 

“For awhile we hunted together. We…Angelus liked what he saw in Xander. The darkness, the joy of the hunt. They…we became more than…I claimed him. Made Xander my consort.” Willow just stared at him. She looked over at Xander. 

“But if he’s your consort shouldn’t you be…I mean I read in one of Giles’ books about the link, the bond. It’s strong…Wouldn’t Xander be…” Willow suddenly stood up and looked down at Angel “You just left him behind?” she whispered. 

“I thought…” Angel attempted. 

“No you didn’t!” Willow’s voice was high-pitched as if she was seconds away from losing control “Look at him,” she pointed but when Angel didn’t do as she had told him her fingers, surprisingly strong, forced him to turn his face. Forced him to look at Xander. “I thought he was lonely. I tried making him date. Guys, girls, it didn’t matter. I just wanted him to be my old Xander. The happy guy who made jokes and teased Giles. And all the while you were sitting in LA…” 

“I…” 

“Shut up,” Willow hissed “Spike…what has he been doing to him?” 

“My job…” Angel whispered and reached out taking Willow’s hand. She looked down at him. “Spike was honouring my consort by taking care of him. Spike was the one who saved Xander’s life.” 

“Are you going to go back to LA again?” Willow was sitting on the edge of the chair, her body almost humming with tension. 

“I’m taking him with me. To LA,” Angel said. 

“If you hurt him…,” Willow whispered, her voice hoarse. 

“I think I’ve done enough of that,” Angel said “I’ll do everything in my power to keep him safe.” Xander turned in his sleep and opened his eyes. He blinked sleepily and smiled when he saw Willow. 

“Hey,” he mumbled. 

\-------------------------------------------------- 

Willow and Angel walked out of the room, the door closing silently behind them. 

“He all right then?” Spike was standing in the hallway. 

“He fell asleep again,” Willow said in a hushed voice and walked up to the blond vampire. Spike was stunned when he felt her arms around him “Thanks,” she whispered into his duster “Thanks for keeping him safe and taking care of him.” 

“Ya told her?” Spike looked at Angel. 

“Yes,” Angel said. 

“Surprised she didn’t turn ya into a toad,” Spike grinned down at Willow. 

“If he messes up again I might just do that,” Willow said and stepped away from Spike. 

“Still have ta tell the slayer,” Spike pointed out. 

“I’ll do that…,” Angel said and walked down the hallway leaving the witch and the vampire behind. 

\-------------------------------------------------- 

“Angel!” Buffy opened the door and smiled brightly. She didn’t notice Angel flinch when she reached out and hugged him. “Come on, Giles has the spell ready.” 

Angel followed her into the living room. Giles stood by the dining room table. The watcher was chanting over a wooden bowl. The room was lit with candles and smelled like melted wax. 

“Ah, Angel.” Giles pointed “You have to stand there and Buffy…stand there,” he said when Buffy joined them at the table. 

“So how much blood will you need?” Buffy said looking at the very sharp knife placed next to a large candle on the table. 

“Not to worry,” Giles smiled “Only a few drops are necessary.” Giles reached out for the knife and Buffy held out her hand. 

“Stop,” Angel said. 

“What?” Buffy asked and looked from Giles to Angel “Did we do something wrong?” 

“No…You did everything right…but I lied to you,” Angel turned and faced Buffy. 

“About what?” she asked. Giles put the knife down and looked at Angel. 

“We don’t have much time, Angel.” the watcher said “The poison…” 

“I said...” Angel started “I told you I didn’t have any family left or a consort…” 

“You found family?” Buffy looked excited “Where?” 

“No not family…” Angel took Buffy’s hand “I have a consort.” Buffy took a step back pulling her hand away and clutching it against her chest as if it was wounded. 

“What?” she whispered. 

“I have a consort…” Angel turned and looked at Giles “We need to move this…,” he waved his hand at the wooden bowl and the knife “We need to move this to the hospital…Xander he’s…” 

“Xander?” Buffy looked confused, she opened and closed her mouth “Xander?” 

“The hyena?” Giles asked his eyes fixed on the vampire. “The hyena and Angelus?” 

“Yes,” Angel said and looked down at the table. 

“I…I’ll…I’m going home,” Buffy said and ran out of the house. 

\------------------------------------------- 

Giles was clutching the bag with the bowl and the knife in his hand. He hadn’t said a word since Angel had explained why Xander was in the hospital. 

“He claimed…” Giles finally broke the silence “He claimed that he didn’t remember anything about the months he was possessed by the hyena,” Giles turned slightly in his seat and looked at Angel “I knew he was lying. He wouldn’t have changed so much…after…if he didn’t know.” 

“I…” Angel parked the car and looked out at the concrete walls of the basement parking lot. 

“Right before you left Sunnydale he seemed to fall apart,” Giles continued as if Angel hadn’t spoken “I tried to help him but he said he was fine. I knew he was lying…But I was too busy to worry about him. I had to concentrate on Buffy. She took it hard…sending you to hell…you returning and then leaving Sunnydale. Xander just wasn’t…” 

“Important?” Angel asked. 

“We both failed him,” Giles said “The difference is you knew what he was going through and you still did nothing.”


	10. Chapter 10

Buffy was screaming as she dusted fledge after fledge. The newly risen vampires growled at her and attempted to get away but she made sure each and every one of them were given a one-way ticket back to hell.

A tall, dark-haired vampire grabbed her wrist and she slammed against him, pushing him face first into a tombstone. The sound of the vampire’s skull cracking made the slayer smile.

“You should know better,” Buffy snarled and kicked the fledge in the back. He rolled away and was kneeling a few feet away from her, his golden eyes glowing in the darkness of the cemetery.

“Bitch!” the fledge attacked.

\------------------------------------------------------------------

“So…” Spike said and looked up at Angel “You got what ya needed?” Spike indicated the sleeping human with a nod of his head.

“We did the spell,” Angel said quietly not wanting to wake Xander.

“Should have told ya ta piss off,” Spike mumbled as he reached out and touched Xander’s hand. A deep rumbling growl made the blond vampire look up. Spike smirked at Angel and tilted his head “Problem?” he asked.

“No,” Angel growled and stepped closer to the bed.

“Possessive, aren’t we?” Spike mocked.

“He carries your scent,” Angel grabbed Spike’s hand and pushed it away from Xander.

“Lived with him, yeah.”

“I…” Angel looked uncomfortable. “He told me about…wanting to kill himself.” Spike was about to say something when Xander stirred in his sleep.

“Spike?” Xander murmured and opened his eyes.

“Hey, Whelp.” Spike grinned and patted the boy’s shoulder.

“How are you feeling?” Angel leant over the bed looking Xander in the eyes. The young man swallowed and looked over at Spike before his attention returned to Angel.

“I-I’m better…Thanks,” Xander’s hands clenched the blanket the nurse had tucked around him.

“Good…that’s…um…good,” Angel said and Spike rolled his eyes.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

Xander watched Angel sleep in the uncomfortable chair next to his bed. The vampire’s large body was hunched in a awkward position. Xander closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on his own breathing.

In-out…in-out…in-out…

Angel started squirming in the chair and the vampire mumbled “Sleep, boy.”

Xander froze. Angel had sounded…He had almost sounded like… Suddenly Xander couldn’t breathe. One memory after another flashed before his eyes. They all had one thing in common: Angelus.

“Xander?” Angel’s worried voice made Xander turn his head and look at the vampire “Xander,” Angel sat down on the edge of the bed and took Xander’s hand “You need to breathe…come on, Xander.”

Xander gasped for air. Air that suddenly felt thick and chunky. Air that couldn’t reach his lungs. “Shhhh…” Angel murmured in Xander’s ear “Shhh. Deep breaths…you can do it.” Soft lips pressed against Xander’s forehead and he reached up and held on to Angel’s neck and started sobbing.

“Xander,” Angel whispered as if the human’s name was a prayer. Xander hid his face in Angel’s shoulder and cried.

\---------------------------------------------------

Buffy stood outside Xander’s hospital room. She could hear Xander crying.

He had always supported her. Always stood by her even when he knew that it might get him killed. He had listened to her rant about how much she missed Angel. How much she loved him. How much she wanted him. And she had never thought twice about why Xander always seemed uncomfortable. Seemed to make sure that Willow was there with them and later…later Spike had been there.

Buffy put her hand on the cool surface of the door, her fingers spread out, covering the metal numbers glued on to the wood. She could open the door and go in there she could demand that…that…

“Wanna go kill things?”

Buffy turned around and looked at Spike. The blond vampire was studying her.

“Already did that,“ she said.

“Well, wanna go kill some more then?“ Spike asked.

“Yeah.”

\----------------------------------------------------

“You don’t have to, you know.” Xander mumbled against Angel’s chest. The vampire had crawled into the narrow hospital bed. Angel’s fingers were running through Xander’s dark locks.

“I don’t have to what?” Angel asked and moved slightly so he could see Xander’s face.

“All this,” Xander said “You don’t have to take me with you to LA…I…Buffy she still loves you and she still wants…”

“Shhh. I’m doing this because I should have done it a long time ago, Xander.” Angel said.

“You said it yourself, Angel.” Xander said and sat up hugging his knees to his chest “You don’t want me…I can’t do that to you, Angel.”

“Do what?”

“You’ll…you’re doing this because you feel guilty,” Xander looked at Angel “And don’t try to deny it. We both know I’m just telling it like it is.”

“Don’t you want to come with me to LA?” Angel asked and pushed the blanket away and crawled out of the bed.

“You know…You know I’d do anything to be near you,” Xander said.

“Then come with me to LA. Let me at least try to solve this mess. If it turns out we can’t stand each other then…”

 

“I can go back to Sunnydale and my dead-end job and my…God, Buffy knows and she’s gonna hate me. I-I’m caught. I can go with you to LA and we might end up hating each other or I can stay in Sunnydale and live with the fact that Buffy…that she hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you, Xander.” Angel said and sat down in the chair next to the bed.

“Just tell me one thing, Angel.” Xander turned and Angel saw the fear in his eyes. “Do you feel anything for me…at all…Anything that isn’t tied to the bond?”

“I…” Angel looked down at his hands “I always admired your courage…I…”

“That’s it, isn’t it?” Xander slowly let himself slide of the edge of the bed and stood on the cold linoleum floor. “Can’t you see that it’s…”

“When you think about me, Xander, then what…?” Angel interrupted.

“Safe…You made me feel safe,” Xander said quietly.

“Me or Angelus?” Angel pushed.

“You are Angelus,” Xander whispered and buried his hands in the bedcovers.

“I’m not…”

“Don’t lie, Angel.” Xander said and slowly walked around the bed. “If you and Angelus were completely separate…If you had noting in common then why would you, Angel, feel the bond?”

“The same body,” Angel said and looked up at Xander, who had stopped in front of the chair.

“If you have nothing in common then why does the soul have to pay for what the demon did?”

“Xander,” Angel’s voice was hoarse. Xander knelt in front of Angel and took his hands in his.

“You still remember what it was like, don’t you? What it felt like to be together, to hunt.”

“You picked out red-headed girls for me to feed on,” Angel whispered.

“I…I’m not proud of what I did,” Xander began “But I can’t tell you that everything I did can be blamed on the hyena. I let myself roam free. Did everything I…every dark fantasy…”

“I remember how warm you felt, your skin. Like a furnace,” Angel whispered against Xander’s ear.

“Angel…” Xander touched Angel’s thigh.

“You make this little sound just before…before you come,” Angel was breathing against Xander’s neck “Just before I’d feed from you,” Xander shivered “That sound kept me awake for months after I came back…even after I went to LA. I’d wake up in the middle of the night and think I could hear it. But it’s blurred, the memory, like a movie I saw years ago, small scenes keeps playing out in my head and I want to remember all of it.”

“Then…then why didn’t you come for me…why leave me here?” Xander asked.

“Because I thought that I could force you out of my mind…out of my body…thought that if I kept working for the Powers, if I worked all the time, I’d forget about you…about my consort.”


	11. Chapter 11

“Can I talk to you?“ Buffy asked Angel as he put another of Xander’s, surprisingly many, books in a box.

“Buffy? I don’t really…” Angel began but stopped when Buffy picked up one of the empty cardboard boxes and started filling it with Xander’s DVD collection.

“I just want to make something clear,” she said but didn’t take her eyes off the DVD in her hand.

“I know I should…” Angel stepped away from the books.

“No, just listen. Okay?” Buffy put the DVD in the box and looked up at Angel. He nodded. “I’m not going to pretend that I understand everything that’s going on here,” she sighed and sat down on the couch “I’m…confused and hurt and…Fuck. I’m pissed off, Angel.”

“Sorry,” Angel said and sat down next to her.

“I’m not the one you should be saying that to,” she looked around the almost empty apartment “Spike told me about…I never thought Xander would try to…” she got up and walked over to the pile of books waiting to be packed. “How…how is he doing?” she finally asked and looked at Angel.

“He’s…recovering,” Angel started placing the rest of the DVD’s in the cardboard box. “The doctor said that he’ll need to take it easy for awhile. Those pills…it’s like poison. The body has to recuperate after that kind of abuse.”

“Will he…Spike said you were taking him with you to LA,” Buffy walked over and started helping Angel with the DVD’s.

“I am,” was all Angel could say.

“Willow has this whole shovel talk she gives people,” Buffy said “I won’t bother with that. So listen,” she closed the box when the last DVD had been placed in it. “If I ever hear that you’ve done anything, and I mean anything, to hurt Xander…I will find you and I will slay you.”

\------------------------------------------------------------

Xander looked over at his bag. It was standing next to the hospital bed. Everything had been packed. Hell, Spike had even stolen some soap and a ratty towel and crammed it in the bag.

Xander smiled. The Big Bad indeed. Spike seemed to be contemplating the small TV hanging on the wall when Willow walked in.

“What’re you smiling at?” Willow asked from the door.

“Hey, Wills.” Xander said and slowly got up from the chair. His head hurt a little.

“You okay?” Willow looked concerned and reached up and cupped his cheek. Xander smiled and hugged her. Spike was hovering behind the witch and looked worried.

“I’m fine, Spike. Really. Would I lie to you?” Xander asked.

“Bloody would too,” Spike muttered and started checking the bolts holding the TV in place.

“What’s he doing?” Willow asked.

“Trying to see if he can steal it,” Xander said and sat down on the bed.

“Oi!” Spike protested.

\--------------------------------------------------

“Are you ready,” Giles asked Xander as he watched the young man look around the room.

“Oh, yeah.” Xander sighed “Can’t wait to get out of here.” Giles nodded and picked up the two bags.

“Dear God! What’s in these bags? Bricks?” the watcher asked as he frowned down at the bags.

“Don’t ask, Giles.” Xander said as they walked out of the hospital room.

\---------------------------------------------------

When Xander arrived at Giles’ car he stopped. Buffy was leaning against the door and looked a little lost. Xander looked back at Giles and the watcher smiled encouragingly.

“Hey, Xander.” Buffy said and stepped away from the car.

“Hi,” Xander said and looked around nervously. He had hoped to have this confrontation later. Much later.

“Um…” Buffy looked over at Giles “Could you give us a few minutes?”

“Of course,” Giles said and opened the trunk of the car and put Xander’s bags in. He looked over at Xander, closed the trunk and pointed across the street “Why don’t you go over there and have some coffee?” he suggested.

Xander turned and looked at the small diner and nodded “Yeah…sure,” Xander said and crossed the street with Buffy walking next to him.

\---------------------------------------------------

Xander stared at his coffee and couldn’t think of a single thing to say. Buffy reached out and took his hand. Xander looked up at her.

“I…” she started and then looked out the window and over at the parking lot where Giles was waiting in his car. “I…used to have these fantasies about me and…about me and Angel,” she looked down at her own cup of coffee and frowned.

“Silly teenage stuff, you know?” she sighed “We’d find some way, some amazing magical way, to make Angel human again. So he could walk in the sun and be…so we could be together like everyone else. I dreamt about us marrying and having kids,“ Buffy closed her eyes “I knew they were fantasies…I knew that Angel and me…that it wasn’t…some lame fairytale,” she finished.

“I don’t…I can’t even pretend to understand what you and Angel have together,” Buffy whispered “But if I’m honest…I’ve been watching you slowly wither away, Xander. I’ve watched you lose weight and fall into this pit of depression…and if…if letting go of some stupid teenage fairytale dream, will make that change….I’ll do it,” she looked away and bit her lower lip.


	12. Chapter 12

Xander slowly walked up the stairs to the apartment. Angel was walking behind him, a steadying hand gently pressed against the small of Xander’s back.

“Really, Angel.” Xander said and looked over his shoulder “I’m good. I’ll be okay.”

“I know,” Angel answered but didn’t move his hand. They stopped outside the door and Xander started fumbling for his keys. His hands were still a little shaky and he ended up dropping them on the hallway floor. The sound of the keys hitting the floor seemed to stir Angel and he knelt down and picked up the keys. Still kneeling he handed them to Xander. Xander’s fingers wrapped around the keys and Angel’s hand for a second, then he turned and unlocked the door.

The small hall was dark and Angel hit the light switch, bathing the room in bright white light.

“Damn,” Xander moaned and closed his eyes.

“Sorry,” Angel murmured and turned the light off again. He put a hand on Xander’s shoulder and steered him through the dark hall and into the living room.

“There’s a small desk lamp over by the side table,” Xander said and stayed in the doorway to the living room. Angel walked across the room and turned on the desk lamp. Its yellow warm glow nothing like the white glare of the lamp in the hallway.

“Everything’s packed up,” Xander looked around the room. His DVD collection wasn’t on the bookshelves, his pictures of the Scoobies were gone, leaving whiter squares on the walls. He slowly walked over to the couch and sat down.

“Um…yeah I…uh…” Angel fiddled with the cord to the desk lamp.

“It’s okay,” Xander smiled, “I don’t think I would’ve been up to doing the packing anyway.” Angel let out a deep relieved sigh and sat down next to Xander.

“So…” Angel said and looked at the blank TV-screen.

Xander tilted his head back, leaning it against the back of the couch. Angel reached out and let a hand slide from Xander’s cheek to his shoulder. Xander stopped breathing.

“Sorry,” Angel said and pulled a little away, “I’m going too fast.”

“If I wasn’t still a little doped up,” Xander grinned mischievously at Angel and then yawned.

“You need to sleep,” Angel said and stood up abruptly. He looked down at Xander, “Um…You want me to help you…um…” Angel waved a hand in the direction of Xander’s bedroom.

“Yeah…please,” Xander mumbled and stifled another yawn. Angel nodded, reached down and took hold of Xander’s outstretched hand and pulled him up. They stood there leaning against each other for a moment.

Then Xander mumbled “Could we do this in a horizontal position?”

\-----------------------------------------------------------

Xander woke up wrapped around Angel. For a split second he freaked out when he couldn’t feel the other man’s chest rise and fall. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. Angel mumbled and pulled Xander closer.

He slowly pushed Angel’s arm away and quietly moved off the bed. Angel stirred for a moment, then he turned over and hugged Xander’s pillow.

Xander grinned and moved out of his bedroom and into the living room. He sat down on the couch and tried to take in the bare room. All the furniture was still there. Including the god-awful recliner Spike had bought off one of his demony friends. A lot could be said about A’clafla’ta demons but colour coordination was not something they had a knack for.

It was strange how this was still his apartment but didn’t look like it. All the small things that made it his home were gone. The vase Buffy had bought for him as a housewarming gift. It was very beautiful and it looked so fragile that Xander always feared it would break when he, admittedly very rarely, dusted it off.

The Star Trek memorabilia that usually cluttered the windowsill was gone. But whoever had packed those had forgotten a small replica of the Enterprise. It stood there in the gloomy light of dawn filtering through the heavy grey drapes.

Xander looked down at his hands. He traced the scar across his wrist with a shaking finger. Angel had told him he’d kill him if he ever tried that again. Xander chuckled. Maybe…just maybe things would work out.

\----------------------------------------------------------

Willow stood outside Xander’s apartment. Dawn was hovering behind her.

“Just knock already,” the teenager nagged.

Willow looked down at the bag of fresh bread in her hands “Just give me a second here.”

“Oh…” Dawn sounded uncertain “Sure…um…okay.”

Willow sighed and finally knocked on the door. She heard someone moving around in the apartment and then the door was opened quietly. Angel smiled and stood back, making room for the two of them.

“Xander’s sleeping on the couch,” the vampire whispered.

“We’ll be quiet,” Willow nodded and moved past Angel and inside the small hall. Dawn stood uncertainly outside for a second then she looked up at Angel.

“Is he…all right?” she asked and bit her lip.

“He’s tired and he still feels a little wobbly from the overdose but he’ll be fine now,” Angel reassured her.

“Because you came back?” she asked solemnly.

“Yeah,” Angel swallowed “Because I’m back.”

\------------------------------------------------------------

“What do I say to him?” Dawn whispered to Willow as they stood in the kitchen. Willow was making coffee while Dawn was putting butter and cheese on a tray.

“You talk to him like you’ve always talked to him,” Willow said and put the mugs on the tray.

“But he’s different,” Dawn said and leant against the kitchen counter “He’s…The Xander that I knew would never have done…he’s always telling me to be strong and…” Willow turned and looked at Dawn “But it’s like…” Dawn looked away “It’s like he’s a different person now. My Xander wouldn’t ever try to…to…kill himself.”

“Xander’s been lying for years now, Dawn.” Willow took the bread out of the brown paper bag “He’s been playing Xander more than being Xander…Like he was what we needed because we needed him…you know?”

“I think so,” Dawn said.

“Only the worse thing is that Xander…he lied to himself the most. Kept telling himself he’d be all right…” Willow started cutting the bread in slices.

“Will he?” Dawn fiddled with a teaspoon.

“I don’t know…” Willow put the knife down “But I do know that we’ll have to get to know Xander again. The real Xander. Not just the one he thinks we need.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------

The conversation was awkward and slow moving but it felt good just sitting there next to Angel, listening to Dawn’s chatter about school and Buffy and how stupid boys were. It felt good until Xander noticed what was missing.

“Where’s Spike?” Xander suddenly asked, interrupting Dawn.

“He patrolled late with Buffy and ended up crashing at Giles’,” Willow said and drank the last of her coffee.

\------------------------------------------------------------

“Hello, pet.” Spike sauntered into the kitchen where Xander was warming some blood for Angel.

“Spike,” Xander gave the vampire a one-armed hug.

“You feeling better tonight?” Spike asked gently and touched Xander’s pale cheek.

“Yeah…Still a little dizzy sometimes but the doctor said it’d go away soon enough,” Xander opened the fridge and pulled out another bag of blood “You want some too?” he asked.

Suddenly Xander found himself in Spike’s arms. He sighed and smiled when Spike nuzzled Xander’s neck. A deep growl made them both move apart and look over at the doorway. Angel was standing there in game face, glaring at Spike.

“You don’t touch what’s mine,” Angel demanded and Spike lifted his hands up so Angel could see where they were and stepped away.

“Come on, Angel,” Xander said and shook his head “Spike was just glad to see me.”

“He doesn’t touch you,” Angel repeated, Spike nodded and smirked as he walked out of the kitchen.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

“He doesn’t touch you?!” Xander snorted when Angel left to get the last of the boxes in the car.

“Bloody tosser, he is,” Spike laughed, “You about ready then?” he asked.

“Yes…well I mean my stuff has been sent to LA and the last bits are in Angel’s car…so…we just need to get your stuff ready now.” Xander walked over to Spike’s bedroom door and opened it. “What?” Xander turned and looked back at Spike.

“Yeah…” Spike said, “Was gonna tell ya about that.”

“You…you haven’t packed,” Xander stared at the books piled in the corner and the crossbow leaning against the bedside table, a bottle of Jack Daniels precariously standing on the edge of the small table.

“I’m not going with you,” Spike said as he walked over and stood right behind Xander. He felt Xander slowly sway a little before he grabbed onto the doorframe.

“Y-you’re staying here…in Sunnydale,” Xander walked into the room and slumped down on the bed.

“Wanted to go with ya,” Spike started.

“Did he tell you to stay away?” Xander clenched his fists and Spike could almost hear his teeth grinding, “Because if he did…”

Spike sat down next to Xander and took his hand. The warm skin seemed to flutter as Xander started to shake a little, “You saw how possessive the git was in the kitchen. He’ll feel threatened by me. See…The two of you need to be alone…start over,” Spike explained and brushed his fingers over Xander’s calloused palm, “Peaches would let me tag along if I asked but that’s not what the two of you need, yeah.”

“I do need you,” Xander said and looked into Spike’s blue eyes.

“But you need him more,” Spike said softly.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Xander watched the trees rush by as they drove out of Sunnydale. Angel was nervously tapping the steering wheel and humming tunelessly.

“So this hotel…” Xander began “What’s it like?”

“It’s big,” Angel answered.

“Okay…maybe you could be more specific?” Xander tried again.

“It’s very big,” Angel elaborated. Xander laughed and they drove in silence for a few minutes.

“I like that,” Xander said and looked over at Angel.

“What?” Angel frowned.

“You have humour…of the none killing kind,” Xander explained, “Angelus had a tendency to…accentuate his jokes with blood.”

“Do you miss him?” Angel stared intently at the road.

“I…” Xander seemed uncertain what to say, “Do you want the truth?” he finally asked.

“Yes,” Angel said and nodded.

“Sometimes,” Xander whispered.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

“Where’s everybody?” Xander asked as they walked into the lobby. He glanced around but most of the large lobby was draped in shadows. He could still make out the beautiful details. The fine mahogany wood used for the railing on the stairs and the beautiful wallpaper.

“I called and asked them to give us some privacy tonight,” Angel said and lead Xander up the stairs, “But don’t worry you’ll get to meet everybody tomorrow, promise.”

They walked down a dimly lit hallway, rows and rows of doors on both sides. Angel stopped in front of one of the doors.

“You gotta be kidding me,” Xander snorted and looked at Angel.

“Nope,” Angel said and opened the door.

“Room 666?” Xander sniggered as he walked into the room.

“I knew you’d appreciate that,” Angel smirked and closed the door behind them.

Xander looked around the room. “So this’ll be my room,” he said and put his duffle bag on the end of the bed.

“No,” Angel said and watched Xander’s shoulders tense, “I was hoping it would be our room.”

“Oh…” Xander looked hesitant.

“But,” Angel hurried to explain “If you want your own room…I mean…there’s enough room and…well,” Angel stuttered.

“No…I’d like us to share. It’s just,” Xander sat down on the bed and looked up at Angel “I thought maybe you’d want us to sleep…you know, separately.”

“I’m messing this up, aren’t I?” Angel asked and sat down next to his consort.

“I don’t really think there’s a rule book about this,” Xander joked, “So how do we do this?” Xander asked, suddenly anxious.

“I was hoping we’d just jump right into it…” Angel began “If this is going to work out, I have to just jump right into it. You know, like jumping off a cliff. If I think about it I might…”

“So we just jump?” Xander interrupted and looked at Angel.

“We just jump,” Angel nodded and smiled when Xander moved closer to him and leant against his shoulder.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

The End.


	13. Anything for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prequel ficlet to Consort

“I could bring you her heart,“ Angelus whispered in Xander’s ear, making him shiver.

“Her heart?” Xander tilted his head, looked across the street and watched the slayer walk up to her house.

“Mmmm,” Angelus nodded as he very gently scraped his teeth over the soft skin behind Xander’s ear.

“How?” Xander whined hoarsely and leant back against Angelus.

“Rip it out of her chest,” the vampire mouthed against the Hyena’s warm throat, “Put it in a box and wrap it up all nice and pretty for my boy.”

“All for me?” Xander asked coyly and looked over at the slayer’s house. Buffy had gone inside and the light from the lamp over the front door cast an eerie yellow glow over the roses under the windows.

“Anything for you,” Angelus smiled, “Or maybe you want the witch’s pretty eyes?”

“The slayer should pay for taking my pack away from me. Make her pay!” Xander demanded and turned to face Angelus.

Angelus grabbed onto the Hyena’s neck, “Remember your place,” he said and painfully pulled him closer. Xander made small upset noises and quickly looked down at the pavement in submission. “Unless you want another lesson?” Xander shivered, “You want another lesson, boy?” Angelus grabbed Xander’s hair and pulled the Hyena’s head back, exposing the strong neck.

“Please,” Xander pleaded breathlessly. Angel ran his fingers along the collar of Xander’s t-shirt, his nails dragging over the claim mark.

“Better go home and check up on Spike and Dru,” Angel said conversationally as if nothing had happened, as if he didn’t still have his hand buried in Xander’s thick hair.

A gasp coming from behind them made Angel loosen his hold on Xander‘s hair. The Hyena looked over at the crumbled figure trying to crawl away.

“She’s still alive,” Xander said and slowly pulled away from Angelus. He crouched down next to the old woman and smiled, “You remember me, Mrs. Wisniewski?” Xander patted her frail hand. She whimpered and tried to pull away from him, “I used to mow your lawn,” the Hyena smiled, “And you used to pay me as little as you could get away with, didn’t you?” The woman managed to crawl a little away but Xander simply put his hand on her ankle and pulled her back. Her nails dragged over the pavement leaving a small trail of blood behind.

“I didn’t drain her completely,” Angelus said and played with a lock of Xander’s hair, “I know how you like them to have a little bit of life left in 'em when you feed.”

“You’re always so good to me,” Xander tilted his head back and smiled up at the vampire.

“Only the best for my boy,” Angelus said and watched as Xander tore into the woman’s already bleeding neck.


	14. Perfect imperfection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue to Consort

Angel’s hands mapped every sharp edge and soft corner. His fingertips grazed against the scars from battles fought and battles lost.

Every perfect imperfection.

Xander was chanting softly. A repetitive sound building in intensity but not in volume. The chanting only stopped whenever Angel kissed his panting mouth. Xander’s fingers were digging into Angel’s arms hard enough to leave bruises. The fiery red marks healed the second the strong fingers found new unblemished skin to burrow into.

Angel pushed a hand underneath Xander’s shoulders, the vampire’s cool touch sending shivers down Xander’s spine. He lifted the scorching body up and pushed his knees underneath Xander’s butt. Xander reached a hand out behind himself, his fingers frantically grabbing on to the headboard of the old hotel bed.

“Aaaaaa…” Xander managed to sigh before he slipped his hand around the back of Angel’s neck. He fanned his fingers out, scraping them through Angel’s hair only to let the hand follow the curve of the strong neck down to the shoulder and further down to Angel’s elbow.

Angel leant forward and pushed Xander back against the mattress. Xander was still partly elevated by the vampire’s knees until Angel pulled away and then helped Xander into a more comfortable position. His back flush against the cotton sheets and his head on the soft pillow.

Angel grabbed on to Xander’s ankles and slowly moved his hands up the strong calves. He covered Xander’s warm body and Xander moaned just as Angel slowly pushed forward.

The warm puffs of air against Angel’s ear became shallow the second he scraped his blunt human teeth on the suntanned skin just above the claim mark.

“Angelus,” Xander moaned.

Angel felt every muscle in his body tense and he looked into Xander’s wide anxious eyes. He pushed away from him and sat on the edge of the bed with his back to the human.

For a few seconds the silence was all consuming. Angel turned his head just enough to see Xander pull the covers close and cover himself with the rumpled sheet. He closed his eyes when he heard the hitch in his consort’s breath and smelled the misery slowly filling the room.

“sorry,” Xander whispered.

Angel felt incredibly exposed as he sat there, naked, on the bed. He rested his elbows on his knees and hunched forward, rubbing his hand against his face and back through his tousled hair.

“Xander,” Angel began uncertainly.

“I’m sorry,” Xander repeated a little louder.

“Don’t…” Angel sighed, “Don’t be.”

“I ruined it,” Xander started to move away from Angel and off the bed.

“No no,” Angel turned and looked at Xander. He was standing by the bed with the white sheet pressed against his chest.

“You just…” Angel stood up and walked around the bed. He stopped in front of Xander, “You just caught me by surprise. Okay?”

Xander nodded hesitantly and looked away.

“Come back to bed,” Angel said and took Xander’s warm hand in his.


	15. Eternity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2nd Epilogue to Consort

“Look,“ Angel said and placed his hands on Xander’s shoulders, “It’ll only be tonight. After that she’s going to get another bodyguard.”

“I just don’t…” Xander looked over Angel’s shoulder at the actress. Rebecca smiled invitingly, “I don’t trust her,” he whispered. His fingers were splayed over Angel’s stomach, his thumb drawing small circles. Angel sighed and rested his forehead against Xander’s.

“Just for tonight. After that she’s getting someone else,” Angel kissed Xander’s temple, “We’ll be staying in a small apartment. Nobody knows about it so she should be safe there.”

Xander nodded and stepped back, his fingertips dragging over Angel‘s shirt as he moved away.

“I’ll bring him back tomorrow morning bright and…oh,” she giggled.

Angel snorted and squeezed Xander’s hand warmly, “I’ll be back as soon as I can. I’ll take the sewers.”

\----------------------------------------

“He seems nice,” the dark-haired actress said and looked out at the passing lights.

“Xander?” Angel asked and flexed his fingers around the steering wheel.

“He seem a little…” Rebecca made a tilting movement with her hand as if to mimic something tipping over, “Unbalanced? Sad?”

“He’s had a rough time,” Angel murmured, “He’s getting better all the time.”

“Do you love him?” she turned in her seat so she could see his reaction, her eyes studying him as he frowned.

“Xander is…” Angel began and then flinched, “He’s very important to me.”

“Oh,” she shifted in her seat so her dress moved enough to reveal part of her milky white thigh, “A lovers quarrel.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Angel said and concentrated on driving.

\-----------------------------------------

Rebecca looked up at Angel as he walked into the living room. He was holding a champagne bottle in one hand and two glasses in the other.

“Did you check all the windows and the door,” she asked and smiled up at him.

“Yeah,” Angel looked around the room, “Should be easy to hear if anyone tries to get in. This the bottle you wanted?” he asked and held the champagne bottle up.

“Yes. Isn’t it nice that I remembered to bring it? Why don’t you sit here?” she patted the couch she was sitting on, “There’s room enough.”

Angel looked uncertain but then shrugged and sat down. Rebecca leant back to make sure her posture was inviting. She smiled and moved a little closer to Angel as he poured the sparkling liquid into the tall glasses.

“So,” she let her fingers linger for a second on Angel’s when she took the glass from him.

“So?” Angel looked up from his own glass.

”How long have you and Xander been an item?” Rebecca asked and delicately sniffed the champagne.

”Uh…” Angel scratched his ear, ”Off and on for the past few years.”

”What does he do for a living?” she took a sip of the drink and licked her lips.

”He used to work in construction but lately he’s been restoring furniture,” Angel’s index finger drew a line through the condensation forming on his glass.

”Have you ever…” Rebecca laughed, ”this is so dumb. Have you ever done that thing where you link arms and sip champagne? It's sort of a good luck thing.”

She held out her glass and leant closer. Angel did the same and linked arms with her.

”For a better and bigger comeback,” Angel said and they both sipped their champagne. Rebecca started giggling and most of her drink spilled down on the vampire’s shirt.

”Oh! Your shirt! I'm so…” Rebecca blushed and put her glass on the coffee table.

”It's okay,” Angel waved her off when she tried to help him clean up with a small napkin, ”It's uh…it's kind of fun. Cold, but fun,” he got up and looked around, ”I'll be right back.”

\------------------------------------

Angel pulled the shirt over his head, not bothering to unbutton it. He stared down at the stained black fabric and closed his eyes.

”Don’t get distracted,” he whispered to himself. Angel tossed the shirt on the chair next to the bare bed.

God, he felt so damn tempted. Not that he could do anything about it. He wasn’t stupid enough to give in, no matter how much he was tempted. He knew exactly who Angelus would seek out first if he was let loose.

There was still a risk of Angelus getting free. Being with Xander…making love to him…didn’t seem to unleash the demon. Wesley had many theories about why that was and Angel didn’t like a single one of them. He especially hated the theory that he didn’t love Xander so he could do whatever he wanted with the human without losing his soul. The thought that he was just humoring Xander…stringing him along and using him …using his body… made the vampire feel sick.

He grabbed the duffle bag he’d brought with him and pulled out another black shirt. He fingered the collar for a second before he put it on.

\------------------------------------

”You know,” Rebecca said as he entered the living room, ”The next time I try something so corny, I promise not to ruin your wardrobe in the process,” she smiled and patted the couch again. Angel sat down and watched her pour more champagne in his glass.

”Why don’t we try this again,” she held her glass out, ”A toast. To the end of an ending and the beginning of a beginning.”

\-------------------------------------

She watched as the vampire slumped back against the soft cushions on the couch. He slowly closed his eyes and sighed. Angel held the champagne glass in his hand and twirled it a little.

”I…used to be…a long time ago I hurt a lot of people,” Angel sighed and rubbed his nape against the couch cushions pressed against his back. He stared up at the ceiling.

”I can’t believe that,” Rebecca said and moved closer to Angel. She placed her hand on his chest.

”No, I…did. I was bad. That’s why I have to help people…now,” Angel said woozily. He found it hard to focus on the woman leaning over him.

”So,” Rebecca whispered, her hot breath ghosting over his ear, ”Don’t you think that after helping so many people that you deserve some happiness?”

Angel snorted and shook his head slowly, ”That’s not a good idea,” he turned his head and stared at her, ”You smell so good.” Rebecca pulled Angel’s shirt up just enough for her to get her hand inside. She started stroking his chest.

”Xander,” Angel whispered as if he was about to tell her a big secret, ”He always smells so sad…lost.”

”Mmmmm?” Rebecca encouraged him.

”You’re warm,” Angel continued.

Rebecca leant so close to him that he could feel her warm moist breath against his lips. She tilted her head, exposing her neck.

”Whoa!” Angel tried to sit up but his body felt almost numb, ”What’re…what’re you doing?”

“You know what I’m doing. Do it. We won’t have to be lonely, either one of us, ever again.”

”I’m not…not lonely,” Angel stammered confused and blinked. ”You don’t know what it is you’re asking me to do.”

“Of course I know. I’m not a fool. There’s a price. I understand that.”

“You couldn’t possibly understand,” Angel finally managed to stand up. He held out his right arm as if to keep his balance, ”People keep paying for my mistakes.”

Rebecca got up as well, her eyes burning with desire, ”You’re supposed to help people,” she pressed her hand against Angel’s still chest, ”Help me.”

“You want me to help you?” Angel suddenly husked, ”Fine!” he grabbed hold of her and started dragging her into the small kitchen. He didn’t stop before they reached the fridge.

”What…what’re you doing?” she gasped when the vampire opened the fridge and took out a blood bag.

”Eternity,” Angel said, ”It’s a big decision. A long damn time,” he held her face with one hand and lifted the blood bag over her mouth just as he forced her red lips apart, ”I think you need a taste of what it is you’re really asking for,” he started squeezing the bag until blood squirted into her mouth.

Rebecca moved her head and tried not to gag on the blood. She whimpered as a shudder ran through her and Angel abruptly let go of her and stumbled back.

“I’m sorry, I…” Angel gasped in a futile attempt to regain control. He dropped the blood bag on the floor, ”What did you do to me?”

”Nothing,” the actress lied and Angel grabbed hold of her again, his strong fingers digging into her shoulder.

“You put something in my drink,” he looked into her eyes.

“I just wanted you to relax a little, Angel,” she whispered.

“What was it?! What did you give me?” Angel’s hands felt tingly and he rubbed them against her naked shoulders.

“Just a little happy pill,” she said. Angel gasped and rested his forehead on her shoulder, ”I’m so sorry,” she tried.

“Everybody…” Angel panted, ”Everybody is so sorry…”

“I just wanted us both to be happy.”

“Oh,” Angel mumbled against her neck, ”I am happy.”

“You are?” Rebecca asked uncertainly.

“Oh, yeah,” she could feel him smile against her skin. Suddenly a sharp pain traveled from her neck all through her body. Screaming she staggered away, a hand held against her neck.

”Oh my God,” she slowly backed away when Angel smiled at her. His fangs distorting it into a grotesque mask.

“Perfectly happy,” Angelus grinned.

”Please,” Rebecca begged.

Angelus wasn’t paying attention to her. He was busy trying to get the last of the drug out of his champagne glass. He licked the residue off his finger, ”Mmm. God. I love this stuff! Wow!” Angelus smacked his lips and smashed the glass on the ceiling beam, ”Remind me to get the name of your dealer…before I kill you.”

”K-kill me?”

”You look a little nervous,” he tilted his head in mock concern, ”You know in all my years I’ve never killed a famous person before. But who’s gonna believe me? Maybe we can take a picture?”

”Kill me?” Rebecca repeated and shuddered.

”I know!” Angelus clapped his hands, ”We do it like we did back in the day. I’ll keep your head on a stick.”

“My head on a stick.”

”You know,” he said, ”As proof.”

”But but,” she stuttered.

”But but,” the vampire mocked in a high pitched voice, ”You know, you’re lucky,” he said and pushed her against the wall.

”I-I am?” she looked up at him.

”Oh yeah,” he nodded, ”See, normally I’d torture you for a few unbelievably long hours and then I’d just drain you…or,” he looked thoughtful, ”rape you and then drain you or maybe the other way around,” he shrugged and chuckled.

”I d-don’t understand,” she felt cold and exposed.

”I don’t want you,” Angelus explained, ”I don’t want you now and I certainly don’t want to have you hanging around for eternity.”

”You’ll let me go?” she asked disbelievingly.

\-------------------------------------

Xander was sanding down the old desk he’d found in the hotel’s basement a few weeks earlier. It was made of beautiful dark mahogany but years in the damp basement had taken some of the shine out of it. He took a new piece of sandpaper and gently sanded one of the small decorations on the side.

“It’ll be beautiful when you’re done,” Angel said and Xander jumped with surprise.

“Oh,” Xander shivered, “You startled me.”

“Did I?” the vampire asked and took another step forward.

“I didn’t hear you come in,” Xander turned and continued sanding the carvings, “I thought you wouldn’t be back before tomorrow.”

“Aren’t you happy I’m back early?” Angel asked and pressed against Xander’s back.

“I…I am,” Xander felt the sandpaper dig into his hand as he clutched it.

“Maybe you’d prefer if I’d stayed with that slut,” Angel whispered against Xander’s ear, “Maybe I should have fucked her and let you watch?”

Xander tried to pull away but Angel’s fingers were digging into his arms.

“Shhh,” Angel hushed, “That’s what I like about you,” Xander closed his eyes when Angel let his right hand snake under Xander’s t-shirt and pressed his cool hand against the human’s stomach, “You always smell so good when you’re sad and upset , boy.”

Xander gasped, “Angelus?”

“Mmmm,” Angelus responded.

Xander whipped around and fused their lips together. Angelus chuckled happily against the warm lips and pulled Xander closer.

“Shhh, boy,” the vampire mumbled against Xander’s lips, “I’m not going anywhere.”

\-----------------------------------------------

“I still don’t think we should check up on them,” Cordy said as she slammed the car door.

“Could you perhaps not telegraph our entrance quite so loudly,” Wesley winced as the sound of the heavy door echoed down the alley.

“Look,” Cordy crossed her arms and glared at Wesley, “If I’m going to waste my evening checking on tall and broody instead of giving my hair a deep-cleansing moisture treatment then I’ll be as damn loud as I want to.”

Wesley scrubbed a hand over his face and looked up at the apartment building, “I just have a feeling that miss Lowell had certain plans…”

”Plans?” Cordy opened the door to the apartment lobby. The only light illuminating the small room was blinking on and off.

”She seemed very interested in Angel’s…um…condition,” Wesley started walking up the stairs.

”Condition?” Cordy sighed as she passed the elevator with the ‘out of order’ sign taped to the doors, ”Angel couldn’t have found something a little fancier than this dump?”

”His vampirism,” Wesley stopped on the first landing and waited for Cordelia.

”Is that Latin for sucking neck?” Cordy snarled at him as she stomped past him.

\------------------------------

”I know just what you need,” Angelus said and ran his hand down Xander’s back.

Xander breathed deeply and looked up at the vampire leaning over him, ”Did…did you hurt anyone?”

”Shhh…” Angelus shushed against Xander’s neck and pressed the human down on the bed.

\--------------------------------

Wesley knocked on the door and waited. He tapped the toe of his shoes on the scratched linoleum floor.

“You don’t think,” he began and looked distinctly uncomfortable.

“What?” Cordy was getting bored.

“Angel wouldn’t…” Wesley made a hand gesture.

“Play craps?” Cordy asked helpfully.

“No,” Wesley shot her a puzzled look, “No, I meant,” now he made fists with both his hands, held them just above his hips and did a strange hip twist.

“Dance awkwardly?” Cordy frowned as she pushed past him and knocked on the door as hard as she could without waking the neighbors.

“No!” Wesley pinched his nose, “I was referring to sex.”

“Well, if that’s the move you make when you’re having sex then no wonder you haven’t been dating much lately,” Cordy was about to knock on the door again when she froze, “Shit,” she mumbled.

“Indeed,” Wesley nodded.

“He wouldn’t,” Cordy insisted.

“Miss Lowell is quite attractive,” Wesley pointed out. Cordy seemed to study him for a second then she started knocking on the door as hard as she could.

\---------------------------------------------------

“Please,” Xander said and pushed himself away from Angelus. He swayed for a second, trying to find his balance.

“Come here,” Angelus grabbed on to Xander’s warm hand and pulled him back down on the bed.

“No,” Xander persisted and took a stumbling step away from the bed, “You…” Xander licked his dry lips trying to force his thoughts back in some semblance of order, “Tell me.”

“Tell you,” Angelus mocked and sat up, his shirt falling off his shoulders, “Are you making demands?”

“No,” Xander shook his head, “I mean…I…yes,” he nodded almost firmly as his eyes roamed the room.

“You don’t make demands, boy,” Angelus pulled his shirt off and tossed it on the floor. He sat up on the edge of the bed and put his hand on Xander’s hip, “You do as I say.”

“I’m not…” Xander shivered when Angelus’ fingers started digging into the soft skin on his hip.

“You’re right,” Angelus smiled and stood up, his fingernails drawing blood from Xander’s skin, “You’re nothing unless I tell you that you are.”

“Did you hurt anyone?” Xander repeated his earlier question.

Angelus just snorted and moved his hand from Xander’s hip to his neck. The vampire’s cool fingers caressing the clammy skin, “I didn’t kill her,” he finally offered, “I just…let’s say I gave her something to think about.”

“Rebecca?” Xander looked Angelus in the eyes, “You didn’t…”

“Fuck her?” Angelus stroked the rapidly beating pulse point, “No. Not that I didn‘t want to. Let‘s face it. You can‘t really give me what I need.”

“I don’t understand,” Xander tried to pull away but Angelus’ firm hold on his throat stopped him.

“You moan and sigh and open up for that sad excuse of a vampire,” Angelus hissed, “And you think you’re satisfying him?”

“H-he…” Xander stuttered, “He cares.”

“Oh come on!” Angelus’ laughter filled the room, “He doesn’t care. He feels guilty. He’s trying to make up for the fact that you and I left a huge dirty spot on his precious soul.”

“No,” Xander pushed hard against Angelus’ chest and the vampire let go.

“Do you have some kind of romantic dream about him one day waking up and realizing that he loves you?” Angelus asked with mock concern, “That he’ll take one look at you,” he waved at Xander, “and realize that he can’t live without you?”

“Shut up,” Xander backed up until he felt the hard wall against his back.

“He doesn’t want you,” the vampire was moving around the room picking up things as he went along, “He’s thinking about her when he’s fucking you,” Angelus dropped the clock-radio on the floor where the display started blinking 00:00.

\---------------------------------------

“Oh for Gods sake,” Cordy rolled her eyes, “The door isn’t even locked,” she pushed the door open and glared at Wesley.

“It’s only polite to knock,” Wesley defended himself as he fished a large wooden crucifix out of his coat pocket.

“Hello?” Cordy’s voice echoed down the small dark hallway, “Well, this isn’t creepy at all.”

“Did you hear that?” Wesley asked and pushed the ex-cheerleader further into the apartment.

“What?” Cordy grimaced and listened.

\-----------------------------------------

Angelus swayed and reached out to lean against the wall.

“He doesn’t want you,” Angelus managed to mumble before he straightened up and focused on Xander again.

“Leave me alone,” Xander said defiantly.

“Hell,” the vampire smirked, “I don’t want you,” he stepped closer to Xander, “You smell all wrong,” Angelus took a deep breath as if tasting the air, “Weak. You smell weak.”

“I’m not the Hyena,” Xander pointed out and watched as Angelus stumbled over to the bed and sat down.

\--------------------------------------------

“Oh shit,” Cordy said. Wesley just rushed forward and knelt next to the chair Rebecca was sitting on. The actress was covered in blood as if she had bathed in it.

“Get a knife from the kitchen,” Wesley yelled over his shoulder when he realized that the cable Angel had used to tie the actress with was too tightly bound for him to undo with his bare hands.

“Miss Lowell?” Wesley patted her cheek. He ran his hands over her shoulders trying to find out where she was wounded.

“Is she dead?” Cordy asked.

\--------------------------------------------

“I don’t want you,” Angelus slurred, “Just a little boy but not my boy.”

“I understand,” Xander whispered and gently pushed his hand against the vampire’s chest. Angelus fell back against the mattress. “I think I finally understand,” Xander whispered against Angelus’ ridged brow.

\-------------------------------------------

“No, she’s breathing,” Wesley took the knife Cordy handed him, “I just can’t find the wound.”

“I don’t think she’s wounded,” Cordy said and knelt down on the floor and picked up a handful of empty blood bags.

“Thank God,” Wesley grunted, cut the last cable and let it fall to the floor.

“Wha…” Rebecca mumbled and looked up at Cordy.

“Are you all right, Miss Lowell?” the ex-watcher asked.

“I-I…” Rebecca rubbed a slim hand against her bloodstained mouth, “Oh, God,” she whispered and fell off the chair. She crawled a few feet away and started throwing up clumps of blood.

“That can’t be healthy,” Cordy studied Rebecca’s back as she retched one last time.

\-----------------------------------------------

They burst through the door. Wesley holding a stake in his hands and Cordy holding what looked like a broom handle in one hand and a small battleaxe in the other.

“Xander!” Cordy huffed and waved the broom handle in front of her.

“Are you all right?” Wesley asked and slowly edged his way into the bedroom.

“I’m fine,” Xander said as he shifted enough to look at them. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, his hand cupping Angel’s knee, “He passed out,” Xander informed them quietly.

“Did he…” Cordy propped the broom handle against the wall and knelt down in front of Xander, “Did he…” she repeated and looked at the tear in Xander‘s shirt..

“No,” Xander shook his head, “He only…He told me the truth,” Xander stood up and extended his hand and helped Cordy up, “What happened?”

“She drugged him,” Wesley said and walked over to stand next to the bed.

“We should call Willow,” Xander studied Angel’s sleeping form.

“He didn’t really lose his soul,” Wesley explained, “The drugs only pushed the soul back, giving the demon free reins.”

\-------------------------------------------------

Angel groaned and opened his eyes. The glaring light from the lamp in the ceiling forced him to close them again. He tried to reach up and rub his eyes but found that he couldn’t move his hands. He awkwardly lifted his head to look down his body.

“Chains?” he mumbled and let his head bump back against the mattress.

“We couldn’t take the chance that you’d wake up too soon,” Xander said from somewhere to his right.

Angel turned his head and frowned, “I don’t…oh…” he groaned louder when the memories of the previous night hit him.

Xander just nodded and got up from his chair. He stood next to the bed and looked down at Angel, “You might have a bad headache for a few hours but apart from that you should be okay.”

“What about you?” Angel watched as Xander fumbled in his jeans pocket. He finally pulled a key out and knelt down next to the bed. Their faces were inches apart while Xander unlocked the large padlock.

“What about me?” Xander asked dismissively.

“He hurt you,” Angel reached out with his freed hand and cupped Xander’s cheek, his thumb rubbing against a small bruise.

“Nothing new about that,” Xander said and looked away while he freed Angel from the rest of the chains.

“Doesn’t make it right,” Angel said and pushed the chains off his legs. He sat on the edge of the bed and stared down at his hands, “And he was lying.”

“Lying?” Xander asked from behind him.

“Yeah…” Angel closed his eyes, “I don’t…I don’t think about her…Buffy… when we’re together…when I touch you. And I do care about you.”

“I guess…” Xander said and Angel felt the mattress dip when Xander sat down next to him, “I guess, I finally realized something last night.”

Angel turned his head and looked at him. Xander looked tired in the harsh light coming from the ceiling lights, the dark bruises under his eyes made him look older than he really was .

“He never loved me,” Xander said his voice trembling slightly.

“Xander,” Angel began but Xander reached out and clutched his hand so hard he kept quiet.

“He didn’t,” Xander persisted, “He loved what the Hyena made me. Fierce, ruthless, cruel, bloodthirsty. He never loved me.”

“I’m sorry,” Angel said and caressed Xander’s knuckles with his thumb.

“I’m not,” Xander looked Angel in the eyes and smiled.


End file.
